Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! | Dark Humor Conversations On Mental Health, Trauma & Society
If you live with mental illness — or love someone who does — and you’re tired of sugar-coated wellness talk, this show is for you.
Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! (AKA “BTMHOOI!”) is a candid mental health podcast with dark humor and lived-experience truth. We tell it like it is, so you don’t have to.
Hosted by Nicholas Wichman (“The DEFECTIVE Schizoaffective”) and frequently joined by co-host Tony Medeiros (“IndyPocket”), we have brutally honest conversations about serious mental illness, trauma, and the real-world systems that shape mental health. Topics include schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia spectrum psychosis, psychosis, bipolar disorder, BPD, PTSD, depression, anxiety, addiction recovery, religious trauma, psychiatric medication, disability, good therapy, bad therapy, psych wards, and practical real-world coping — plus relationships, family dysfunction, work, creativity, and society.
You’ll hear:
- Lived-experience perspective from someone navigating psychosis, relapse, parenting, and recovery in real time.
- No-BS conversations about what helps, what doesn’t, and what the mental health stigma gets wrong.
- Dark humor and honest storytelling that educates and humanizes instead of sensationalizing.
- Interviews with everyday people, professionals, and notable guests, because mental health struggles don’t care who you are.
This show is for anyone trying to survive therapy, meds, trauma, and everyday chaos — or trying to understand a loved one who is. If you want language for what you’re experiencing, conversations that don’t flinch, and a judgment-free vibe with some laughs along the way, you’re in the right place.
We’re not your therapists — we’re fellow passengers on “The Struggle Bus,” sharing what we’ve learned the hard way and refusing to suffer in silence.
Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! | Dark Humor Conversations On Mental Health, Trauma & Society
Living With Schizophrenia & Creativity During Psychosis | Rachel Star Withers
In this episode, we dive into the intersection of living with schizophrenia and the role of creativity emerging from psychosis.
Join us for a raw, candid conversation with Rachel Star Withers as we explore the emotional toll of stigma, suicidal ideation, and finding meaning through your passions.
This discussion highlights the challenges of navigating relationships and employment while symptomatic, all while expressing your truth online without glamorizing pain.
We also touch upon essential supportive resources and the importance of prioritizing creativity as a coping mechanism in building a fulfilling life.
Draft a 15-second “truth clip or post” about your REAL experiences (as detailed as you want). Share your story on our Discord "The Struggle Bus" and we’ll help you feel right at home. (link below)
Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! (AKA “BTMHOOI!”) is a candid mental health podcast rooted in lived experience: schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia spectrum psychosis, BPD, PTSD, trauma recovery, coping skills, and dark humor that helps make serious mental illness more understandable and human.
Hosted by Nicholas Wichman (“The DEFECTIVE Schizoaffective”) with frequent co-host Tony Medeiros (“IndyPocket”), we cover psych wards, psychiatric medication, disability, religious trauma, good therapy, bad therapy, and practical real-world coping — plus the societal and relationship issues that shape mental health every day. The goal isn’t just “fighting stigma.” It’s education, clarity, and honest conversation.
We interview everyone from everyday people to public figures, clinicians, and professionals, because mental health struggles don’t care who you are. If you’re willing to share your story or expertise, we aim to offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can speak openly — and still have some fun while doing it.
New episodes drop every other Monday at 6am EDT.
Want community and support? Join our Discord, “The Struggle Bus”: https://discord.gg/emFXKuWKNA
All links (TikTok, YouTube, Streaming, etc.): https://linktr.ee/BTMHOOI
Podcast cover art by Ryan Manning
...Hey everybody. This is Beat the Mental Health Out of It, aka Bottom Huey, with your host, the defective schizoaffective. Great name. Here we are with Rachel Starr Withers. She hosts an incredible COD podcast, Inside Schizophrenia, which is one of the first mental illness health podcasts I ever listened to. And it inspired me greatly to actually start my own. So, and I always loved your personality on there, real bubbly, kind of fiery at times, and just very passionate about what you do. So thanks for joining us.
SPEAKER_04:Thank you for inviting me.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, I do want to give you a chance to do your own introduction. Um, we're very much in the baby steps of learning how this whole thing works, but uh please uh introduce yourself and kind of what you're all about, and uh we'll go from there. So okay.
SPEAKER_04:Uh well, hey, what's up? I'm Rachel Starr, and yes, I host a podcast called Inside Schizophrenia. We've been doing that for a couple years now. And in case you didn't know this, I have schizophrenia. That's why I get to host that. Um, and I was officially diagnosed in my early 20s, but I grew up having hallucinations. So looking back, I probably would have qualified for childhood schizophrenia. Um, but we never went to the doctor and stuff like that until I was 17. And that was out of religious school, so they said I was demon-possessed. Uh so that's why I didn't get that diagnosis for a while until my early 20s. So I and the original diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenic with dystymia. And of course, now they don't have um the categories anymore, so it's just schizophrenia spectrum. And like I remember like schizoaffective is like a newer um uh newer diagnosis, also. That's one that's kind of been coming up more so in the past few years.
SPEAKER_01:It is, yeah. And of course, it has characteristics of both schizophrenia and bipolar. Um, though for me, it's probably not a severe of either illness on either side of it. I guess I'd maybe I don't like to judge who's got it worse or better, but yeah I can say that, you know.
SPEAKER_04:I think any mental challenge, whether you're talking about disorder, is difficult to deal with, period. Yeah, whether you're talking about depression, what you know, mania, all those different things, like anything is difficult to deal with, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely. And and the thing is, whether you're quote unquote mentally ill or not, we all struggle with mental health problems. Um you know, to act like any of us are doing stellar in this crazy world is is absolutely hot ass. Um but I I do want to definitely commend you and I respect you so much for your advocacy and how much you put yourself out there. And I'm trying to kind of try to follow in your footsteps. And I know you're good friends with Michelle Hammer, who I'm you know, listen to um a schizophrenica bipolar in a podcast, or do I have that reversed? I always get that reversed if I do, but I like that one a lot as well. Um both of you just have such a genuine approach to covering this topic that frankly a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about. I think the conversation wants to be had. Yes. But it just seems like a lot of people aren't comfortable really talking about it.
SPEAKER_04:Um I would say in these past, you know, 10 years, honestly, now we have the opportunities because so often someone was speaking for us, um, doctors, researchers. So it wasn't the actual people with these serious mental disorders who were getting to say anything.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right.
SPEAKER_04:And now we can.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I mean, and I I I just uh today, believe it or not, I listened to your episode on reality check that you did in May.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and I loved how you did that. I'm hoping actually to ex expound on a lot of that more that you discussed on there. But uh is that the only podcast episode you've done with another group or have you done others? Because I kind of looked and I didn't I couldn't find any.
SPEAKER_04:I have um inside mental health I've been on um earlier this year, and I know I was on some like a year or two ago, so please don't try and ask the name of them. I can't think of them off off the top of my head. I was literally just wanting the bus and I'm like, I'm sure they were amazing.
SPEAKER_01:I was literally just wanting to do my thing into that right on that with you.
SPEAKER_04:Uh but not this year. I can't remember this year.
SPEAKER_01:No, I'm not sure. Not trying to throw anybody out of the bus. I was just curious if you happen to be on any others. Um, you know, I'm definitely wanting to be on others too. I think I think that's really fun to be on on other people's shows. But anyway, um, I was gonna kind of start, I've got kind of a process of going through the the the questions here. I kind of have them broken up into categories. Um so I thought we'd kind of start with the personal and creative, they're kind of combined to me. So, like obviously, you are a stunt performer. I am, which I think is really cool. Um, and then you've also um you've created a TV show or working on that. Is that right? Uh little little of everything.
SPEAKER_04:Uh yeah. No, my background is working in entertainment and doing stunts is like my favorite thing, and that's what I got started in doing stupid, crazy stunts for like ridiculousness on MTV, whacked out sports, and all these different types of things. That's what got me started in my early 20s doing all this kind of crazy stuff. And as I've gotten older also, I've transitioned more so into the production uh side of it and got to work on different movies, TV shows, and it's really cool. Uh, not all of it pays very well. Everyone always hears that and thinks, oh, you must be rich. No, sadly not. People are then usually shocked by how little I make. Um, but I I genuinely enjoy making entertainment, whether it's someone else's project I get to work on or mine. I had a horror movie come out. It's on Tubi. Uh it's called Shock Fight. And I actually play a character on it called Schizo. So definitely check it out. Yes. Okay. And uh here's the here's the the catch for it. You have one minute to kill the person in front of you, or you both die.
SPEAKER_01:That's the tagline?
SPEAKER_04:Yes. Yes. Oh, so it's like Saw times fat club fight club. There we go.
SPEAKER_01:I love fat club too. That's my favorite version of that. No, that would be a good one. I would be a great star within that. Um, yeah. No, um, but that's that's really cool. Well, I'll rip on that. So obviously you mentioned it's like saw means fight club. So I'm assuming very maybe obnoxiously comically violent, is that fair to say?
SPEAKER_04:Well, yes, yes. I mean, you got a minute. So you gotta jump right into the fighting.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. So what I kind of I guess that kind of that was further down the line, but honestly, do you find that let's say extreme violence, or we'll say even extreme humor, dark humor, even what most would consider offensive or or difficult to watch, or however you want to look at that, is that validating to you? Does that make you uncomfortable? Do you get something cathartic out of even uh uh being in something like that? Is that exciting?
SPEAKER_04:It's exciting. Um I my mom always is bothered by the fact that I like horror movies so much because she's like, doesn't it make your your hallucinations worse? And I'm like, no, because I have never watched a horror movie that was anywhere close to my hallucinations, with the exception of Coraline, the the animated kid show when the mom turns, like when the alternate mom starts turning into all those things and like her face is melting all that. So I'm like, oh my god, that that's the closest I would say that I've ever seen my hallucinations on a screen. No horror movies, I'm not like they don't really bother me, like other than jump scares, you know. I good jump scare always kills me. But no, I I love horror movies, horror shows, American horror story, anything like that, serial tellers. Yeah. No, I I just think it's an interesting genre in general. I much rather watch that than like a romantic comedy. I don't want to watch it.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, fair enough. I get you. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting you say that because you mention all these all these extremely violent or dark that are really designed for the pure purpose of entertainment. But yet I guarantee, I mean, I don't know if you see behind me, I got well, you obviously you see the Joker thing behind me. That was a dumb question. But like, I've got all these Joker statues. I I love him as a character. But there are people who don't know me very well who come down to this basement and they see some of this, they're like, and they know what I have, and they're like, Are you should you be into him? It's like it doesn't there's nothing I'm as safe to be into the Joker as the next guy on the internet. Exactly. It's unfortunate.
SPEAKER_04:They probably wouldn't ask the next person if they didn't know you had some sort of, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. And it's just like that doesn't have to be that is not a distinction that matters to me.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, I mean, you have people who are influenced by things in negative ways that end up doing some not great things, but that's a very, very small minority. And then, you know, unfortunately, as you probably know yourself, it's like one bad egg kind of can put a bad name on all of us, and that's not just mental illness. That's oh yeah. Um, but unfortunately, we just have such a bad stigma that you know you're trying to to smash and and me and and the show and so many others, you know. So um it's interesting that that is such a problem that people are just so uncomfortable when we are into the same things they are, even if it's just as dark. But you said that doesn't that doesn't influence your hallucinations like what you see. Right.
SPEAKER_04:Right, yes.
SPEAKER_01:So let me ask you this how comfortable are you uh in describing what you see?
SPEAKER_04:I'm very comfortable.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So you're comfortable going in detail, right?
SPEAKER_04:Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Do you mind?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Um I've been having these since I was a kid, and the very first hallucinations I remember were the faces in the trees. And I would always just see these faces in the trees, like not really, I guess, horror, not like scary faces, but distorted that didn't make sense. And I grew up in a very religious area. I'm in the Bible Belt in South Carolina, and you know, you go to church three times a week, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. And they're always talking about, you know, demons and angels. So growing up, I thought that's what I was seeing. Like I, it it did not occur to me growing up that this isn't normal. Like I and I really didn't talk about it with people because I thought we were all seeing this because you hear about it three times a week. They're talking about the angels and the demons. Clearly, we all see them, right? Yeah. And it wasn't until I was 17 that I was talking with a friend and I mentioned this. And she was like, What the hell are you talking about? And I was like, Oh, crap. And you know, I was 17 in high school, I knew to shut up because I don't want to get ostracized. But it never occurred to me till 17 that everyone else isn't seeing these things. They aren't seeing these creatures, they aren't hearing these noises. Um and yeah, and after that, I realized, okay, something might be wrong with me, like seriously wrong. And um then at 17, things um, like with most people, that's where you start having your first bad psychotic episodes. And it got very intense. And that was how I eventually, after a few years, was able to get diagnosed. So I've been seeing these things for so long. I always, if someone asks, like, how often do you hallucinate? Honestly, 90% of the time, I'm always like, but they're not they're not exciting. They're like really boring, like things moving, things being off. I I hear ticking sounds, scratching in the walls. Um, I hear my my my name being called a lot. So they're not like, yeah, no one's gonna like make a movie about these hallucinations. They're pretty boring. But the that's just like Yeah, that that's just everyday life. They're constantly going on, and you get used to them. Now, when I go into like a deep psychotic episode, that's a whole nother I'm completely detached from reality, and that that can be very, very scary. Um but the everyday stuff, no, you get used to it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. Um Wow, your symptoms are so much different than mine. Really? Uh well, I mean, yeah. Um let me ask you this before I go on to mine. Do you hear voices as well? Like specific I know you said your name, but do you hear anything outside of that voice-wise?
SPEAKER_04:So I hear it's like someone's left a radio on in the next room. And it's like caught between stations. So they're talking, and every little bit I can make out a word or two that they're saying, like what the subject is they're talking about, but I can't quite, yeah, they're not talking to me. It's like they're having a conversation amongst themselves.
SPEAKER_01:So could you participate in that conversation if you were okay? So they're non-reactive view.
SPEAKER_04:I'm hearing some, yeah, it literally sounds like a radio or a TV on in another room. And that's a very common, it just you kind of get used to it. And then I I'll hear, so when I'm in a place with a lot of people, for instance, I just came from the gym uh before this and I have a really hard time because I hear talking and stuff, and I don't know if it's real or not. Um, so sometimes when people interact with me, I won't realize that they're actually talking to me. I think I'll I'll hallucinate it. And I usually the people like in my class will be like, hey, just so you know, um, if I ever, you know, ignore you, I promise I'm not doing it on purpose. I might just not realize that you are talking to me. Yeah. Right. But no, I I'm I would say I'm very lucky that I don't have the intense, constant, yeah, vocal hallucinations that that I could talk back with. Like mine are just doing their own thing.
SPEAKER_01:Wow. I mean, so I know watching Michelle's Hammers um content, you know, she talks about how her voices could get pretty intense with her and things like that. Um so my experience to kind of just vibe is two people experiencing this. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have somebody else on here who has a diagnosis. Not that's not meant to sound anything other than wow, this is a relationship. Um But you know what? I what I see 20 I I'm I'm symptomatic both ways 24-7. So, and I have been my entire life as well. Um, but I hallucinate pale white faceless men murdering each other in comically violent ways constantly. Wow. And I actually my wife coined the idea of that it's like Mortal Kombat fatality, because it's really funny. Because she was watching me play that one day, and I was, you know, I love that game, my favorite game of all time. And she's like, because I've told her what I see, and she's like, is that kind of what you I said, damn, that's all I need to freaking tell people because I'm trying to come up with these elaborate, you know, it's like, well, fuck there, it is right there. Uh so that's what I've been saying since. But um, you know, that's the the hallucinations of the visual do not actually get to me. Um, they're entertaining, they're normally in the peripherals. I can look directly at them, but they are in the peripherals. However, the voices are another story entirely. Those are what is crippling to me. Now I'm constantly barraged with anything from whispers to demonic voices, everything in between, varying in in degrees of volume and and severity and in how many, all of it. It's it's constant. And they're incredibly negative and commanding, and I I've never once in my entire life shared what they actually have said. They are that level of depravity that even those closest to me, I don't feel comfortable sharing them. Um, I've had people even ask me, hey, you can tell me. It's like, I don't think you want to hear it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You know, it's like something I've been like that so many times where I haven't I don't describe a lot of things to like my loved ones, especially my mom, uh, because I don't want to scare them. Yeah. So no, I get what you're saying. You don't want to, yeah. Frighten you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and and it's and it's more about to me, to me. It's more about they're not, I'm not worried about people thinking I'll do that to them or even myself. It's that that shit is going on in his head all the time. That's actually more what it is for me. Uh, I think everybody knows me well enough to know I've never once acted on anything they've said, but you know, they're talking about my my my child, my wife, you know, when we're intimate, when I'm with my child holding him or playing with him, the worst thing you can think of, strangers on the street, it doesn't matter. So I I I'll say that vaguely enough. That's all I'll put out there, and that's what I feel confident that people can maybe even accept that and struggle accepting that on that base level, you know. Right. So that's kind of that's the only thing I've never shared out out there, and I don't think I ever will. Um, and it's like what we described. Um so you mentioned that you have been symptomatic since a child, like as far back as you can remember. Yeah. Interesting. What I was gonna ask you is as as you and I both know, you know, this doesn't usually at least get diagnosed until like your late teens or college years. Right. And even episodes sometimes don't manifest till then, anyway. So I don't know if you've seen the documentary um Six Schizophrenic Brothers. Have you seen that one?
SPEAKER_04:I have not. I I've been told about it. I don't have HBO though. But I saw everyone has told me and said, have you seen it? I'm like, I don't have HBO, so no. But I'm aware of it. Let me put it that way. I'm aware of it, but no, I have not seen it.
SPEAKER_01:It's a wonderful documentary. Um, and the the big discovery in it is you have this family of 12 siblings, six were schizophrenic, and they find out that they've kind of uncovered that schizophrenia and some other schizotypal are caused by a gene. And that gene has to be mutated by trauma. So I was wondering, do you is there any trauma? And you want to say specifically, if there is, is there any trauma that would have mutated that gene for you?
SPEAKER_04:No, and that that's a very good question. I've had like therapists ask me that specifically. Um, and honestly, no, nothing. Um I I have amazing parents and I had an amazing childhood. The only thing I'd say is just growing up in the church, which we're just a very religious Christian family and in the country. But it wasn't even it wasn't like some kind of cult-like thing, it was just a normal uh Baptist church. Um, so no, honestly, no trauma. However, I will say that on one side of my family, going back years, it's very clear that one side had very serious mental disorders. Um probably schizophrenia to other things. Like it's just you you look down the one side of the family prison, you know, they're they already got in trouble for this, that, you know, and it's like, oh wow, the there's definitely they had something wrong, which back then you probably wouldn't have diagnosed as anything other than oh, so-and-so's so-and-so's out of control.
SPEAKER_01:They'd end up in, you know, bad places, yeah, of course, or just or in trouble.
SPEAKER_04:So I I definitely believe it can go through because I'm like, if you just look at one whole side of my family, it's like, well, yeah, clearly, clearly, all these people have an issue.
SPEAKER_01:See, I just I I guess they they didn't specify specify it in the show itself anyway, but I guess can that just be dormant and when you're born it comes out? I I'm speculating about things I don't know. But it's just like, can that be dormant and just comes out, or does some trauma have to cause it? Because I mean, I had a stillborn twin brother. And that's kind of what my psychiatrists and therapists over the years have kind of said, okay, that would be a trauma that could do that. I mean, I know it's an infancy and all that, but there's a connection there that twins have that are just, you know, so poor, you know, sort of have lost that at that age. That's that's the only thing I can attribute it to. And who knows, you know, what we're burying or something will come out 20 years from now. You know, that happened to my mom. So um either way, that that's interesting that that that so you said you weren't diagnosed until um college years, right?
SPEAKER_04:Right. Yeah, around 20, 21, 22, somewhere in that range. I don't Okay.
SPEAKER_01:What I wanted to ask you is do you think let's say you you were aware yourself of what was going on more? Because when I was around that 12 to 13 year old range, I'd attempted suicide three times and almost was successful twice. And then it kind of hit me that I needed to ask for help and then kind of started the whole process. So I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at 13. Wow. And what's interesting is that the practice I went to is an independent practice. And the psychiatrist that I went to, he was the head of the practice, wasn't exactly incredibly well liked. But he went out on a limb to diagnose me that. And his partners were like, You don't do that, he's 13, and yada yada. He did it anyway. The benefit that had on me is I got treatment young. Because with what I go through now, and even then, if I didn't have that, those things developing and the treatment and the meds and therapy and that whole cluster of things back then, I would not be here and say that 100%. So it's just, I wondered what your opinion would be as like your trajectory mean clearly you're doing quite well. Um, you know, you you seem to be functioning really well when I hear you on the podcast and not saying I don't like to just be like, oh, you you're doing great, because people fucking do that to me and it drives me nuts. But you know, it's just like you seem like you're pretty stable. Is that okay to Yes.
SPEAKER_04:Um here there's a lot of people don't see. One of them is that uh I live with my parents. Uh I cannot live alone. So I do I'm I'm great. I'm almost 40 and live with my in my parents' basement. I'm that stereotype. Um and I I just cannot, I can live alone for around two weeks and then I start getting weird. Um, and my dad is wonderful. He he checks on me. You know, he hasn't seen me around the house all day. He's like, hey, come up, come eat with me. Um and that I just have to have that stability. Um, and I've tried in the past with like roommates, but I don't like to tell people like, hey, can you check on me? Because I don't know. I don't want to put that on other people. So it's really just been my parents.
SPEAKER_01:You feel like a burden because of that. Yeah. And yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_04:Um Yeah, and I can't work full time. Uh, there's things like that that come up, and then I go downhill very, very quickly. If I don't sleep for two nights, I am out of my mind. Um, earlier this week, I unfortunately had a real bad episode where I just, it's like my brain can't function anymore. It all stops, my my speech is slurred. Um, I am acting my reacting slower, I'm shaking, I'm dropping things, um, I'm rocking a lot, where it's just everything's kind of fallen apart. So it it does happen as long as I stick to a very strict schedule. Um, so if I don't sleep like tonight, tomorrow night, I gotta take my sleeping pills because I I can't two nights without sleep, I just go downhill very quickly. Uh if I if I run out of medication sometimes, that can, you know, I just Walmart didn't have one of the meds once they had to order more. And while that was happening, I just went down so quickly. And I was I was shocked at, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Where you ended up.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. And I I talk to a therapist every week, um, you know, psychiatrist every like every two months. But yeah, and that that's what really helps me is that yeah, she every week I'm talking to her and she helps me more so with managing my life. Um and that's been a huge, huge help.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, okay, okay. So as far as to kind of go back a little bit to your European, you said you had incredibly supportive parents, me too, by the way. Um I had a phenomenal have a phenomenal support system. It's wouldn't be here without it. I probably not unlike you yourself. Um were they actually quote unquote educated about what you're what you're going through, or was it like now we know what she has, let's get educated on it? Or were they just by by default, just very nurturing supportive Pete?
SPEAKER_04:No, it was the um so after I got my diagnosis, I'd obviously been hiding it for quite a while, and I I sat them down and I told them about it. And my mom kind of accepted it right away. My dad, it was harder for him to like understand. Like mentally, he's like, I just don't understand. Like he understands being fixed, he understands being sick physically, but he couldn't quite get that grasp of what do you mean? Like he had no concept of even depression. Um, it just he's not like to me him. It's like, well, if you're not happy, then just you know, adjust your attitude. Um, that's just the male, that's how literally how he felt.
SPEAKER_01:That's how men process.
SPEAKER_04:But both of them know, they both jumped headfirst into okay, let's learn. And um, my dad came to me, I think, a few months later and told me he'd been listening to NPR and heard this man talking about depression and a suicide attempt. And he goes, That was hearing that man describe it was the first time he could wrap his head around it. And so I thought that was really, yeah, that he I could see he was definitely trying. And and he's he's amazing now. But no, they definitely made the decision of okay, we need to figure out what's going on here.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so like understanding it or not, that doesn't really matter. It's we still got to figure. Yeah, that's that's that's wonderful. I I think that God, that seems like a rarity, really, to that level. It is, yeah. Because I mean, you know, my my dad was in the field. He was a uh social worker for 10, 15 years. Mom was a nurse. So both medical, especially my dad being in the psychology field, um, you know, when I came out about this, I love saying that because I don't know what word to use for when you come out of it.
SPEAKER_04:No, yeah, I I always say it's it's similar. No, it is similar. Like, and I even say, like, sometimes, you know, you don't want to out people. You know, you have to be careful you don't want to out someone as having schizophrenia because it it could it, you know, they could lose their job or something.
SPEAKER_01:Uh-huh. I've had it happen to me a couple times. And it it it the thing is, I put this out there so much in the world. It's like, well, no, I'd be surprised if I didn't out myself where somebody else did at this point, but back then it wasn't that way, you know. But um I was gonna say is, you know, my my dad being in the field and then my mom, you know, being in a nurse, so dealing with the two, um, they were very there was no like question of was it valid or was it real or any of that. Um, what's interesting about my dad being in the field, I think, struggled because he probably thought he should have picked up on it. You know, it's like, ah, and he's somebody who struggles a little bit to analyze people a little bit. So he was like, How did I think he was always struggling, how the hell did I not pick up on this?
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Like, you know, and but you know, I I I attempted, you know, stories in the podcast, I don't want to make it about me at all, but attempted, basically had a little bit of an intervention at home, went inpatient, that started the whole process. And I've been so fortunate to have every member of my family um be incredibly supportive. Friends, I've been nothing, I've been surrounded by nothing but support. And a lot of the issues I've had have either been out there in the world or honestly self-projected. You know, um, I don't know. I I actually this is something I was gonna ask you is, you know, I the biggest issue I'm struggling with right now, because I'm not working right now, I'm in the process of getting on disability. Um in order to do that and facilitate the process, you know, my attorneys are advising me not to work because then it'll get me on disability so much quicker and all that, which whatever. That's a nightmare to me. So you know, being a father, a husband, um, I'm not providing monetarily for this family, which is a huge hit right there. But beyond that, I look back at my life and I see I have not accepted the limitations of this mental illness. I've accepted the diagnosis. I'll go out there and say I'm schizoaffective left and right. What I won't do is internally say, this is my, these are my symptoms and this is how it limits me. And in order to function on any sort of level, I have to limit myself in that way. I still haven't done that. And I think, you know, on the podcast I've shared it and in my own life now. I'm actually right now gonna go through a medication change. I'm about ready to try Depacode.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, because um I've been on this regimen for so long and I'm just doing well for a bit, and then I tank and I'm down here forever, and then I have a little high, and it's not consistent, and this is very nuke to me. So, all that to say, have you gotten to a point in your life where you can accept the limitations and just live within that? Or is there a lot of like, fuck, I have so much guilt about that, or so much anger? And how much does that limit you? Like, where's the line between acceptance and giving up to you?
SPEAKER_04:Uh I would say I definitely toe the line in different things. Um, it's real easy, especially to like compare myself to my brother, um, who's five years younger than me, works for the government, lives out in California, uh, is married, is doing very well. You know, very successful. It's yeah, it's frustrating because I want to be like, and then there's me who has to live with her parents, you know. Um, so it's hard when I think things like that. Um, of course, I I don't really date and part of it, and I know it's kind of like you need to get over it, but because I know I'm gonna say I have to bring it up, and I'm fine telling people I have schizophrenia, but it's the other stuff. It's like, and the fact I live with my parents and I can't live alone. And you know, that's the stuff I hate telling people. I'm fine telling people I have schizophrenia, but it's the that other stuff that that still bothers me a lot. And even though it shouldn't, it it does. And I think it always will. You you can't help but like compare yourself. I'll even like uh another wonderful person, um I don't want to say his day, but he he also does a lot of um stuff with schizophrenia. He's really great and he has schizophrenia. Like he was telling me like how how he's had got this apartment and just doing really well. And I'm like, ah, it's great. You know, I can't I can't yeah, yeah, I'm comparing myself to other people's schizophrenia. Like, well, how come you know they're able to be okay? Like uh Michelle Hammer we talked about, you know, she's married and lives in New York, and like that's amazing. That's not something that's would be possible with me. It just wouldn't be. And yeah, so it on some level, I think you're always gonna think, man, I wish I could be better at this.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And and yeah, boy, that that's powerful stuff, Rachel, because this is exactly why I wanted somebody with a diagnosis on him. Um, for this exact reason. Because, you know, the the other thing is that when I was before I hit that kind of age 13 where everything imploded for me, I was in great shape. I ran, you know, I was very great shape. Very I felt attractive then. Girls wanted me then, you know, I was desirable that way. I was also one of the top performing students in my class.
SPEAKER_02:Wow.
SPEAKER_01:I had all that going for me, and then all of a sudden the illness finally got me. It was like, ah, you can't win now. So then I imploded, went through all that, and now extremely overweight, don't have a good job, not as near as sharp as I was, um, struggling in ways I never did, self-image, self-esteem, all that stuff. It's all kind of at zero. Um and having that and losing it because of this illness. Um, and the thing is, is I fought so hard all those years against it. I was like, I'm not letting this damn thing beat me. I will not. And of course, in my opinion, okay, not opinion, this is how I feel is that it did. And now I'm just kind of in second place when it's in first all the time, if that makes sense. That's my perception. Um, and it's I know it's not objectively fair to me. And it's just like you said, you know, you look at your brother who's younger and and has all this objective success, obviously. And that's great. I mean, I wouldn't take that away. My brothers are both incredibly successful with nice homes and great jobs and wonderful families, and and able to do things for their families that I will never be able to do. And yes, just like you, there is that element of it's like my thing for me is I and I don't know if you struggle with this too, is what would I be capable of if I didn't have it? That's the that's the factor for me. Because obviously you're able to do a lot with your diagnosis. You are like doing your your film and your stunts and your and your podcast and and everything you're doing for advocacy and for yourself, even that's success.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, then but then we're still like, well, damn, what what if we didn't have it? It's like, would we be them? Would be better. Would we be you know and it and it's comparing.
SPEAKER_04:So I mean you're you're talking, you have a wife and kid. That's amazing. I guess I I haven't had a relationship in like 15 years. Like, so you just say, I'm like, damn, he really has his life together. Like that's cool. But you so it's just like, but no, but no, it's like how you see and I see her like two different things. Um, and and it's like you can't help but compare because it's just that's human nature. Right, and what you see as success and I see as success two completely different things.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right. And and do you struggle to hold yourself up to the same standards, let's say as even neurotypicals. Do you do you struggle with that?
SPEAKER_04:It's I've um kind of the the past five years, I have really went downhill um and very noticeably, and uh things have just gotten harder. And I've kind of, with all of that, it kind of forced me to accept it a little bit more. Um so I'd say it's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. I just kind of like, okay, I I accepted that that that's not gonna happen. That's you know, I just need to be happy for other people and just keep, you know, doing my life as best I can. Just keep adjusting for what's happening with me.
SPEAKER_01:And that's that is the best attitude. I mean, I objectively, that's the best. And honestly, I mean, my main struggle with some of this is that when I have a wife and a child that that I am responsible for and I want to be, and nothing makes me happier that I have those two. And then, of course, there's a ton of you know, pressure that comes with that that maybe I wasn't exactly prepared for. And I I do know now that there are simply things I'm not gonna be capable of doing to the level I would like to because of this. Just by default. Um, there are gonna be a little bit more, there's gonna be a little bit more weight for my wife on certain things. Not a ton. I mean, I'm very active and and all this, but like when I hit those lows, I'm gonna be isolating more. That's for myself, that's honestly for others too. But that is something that that is very uncomfortable, and it's something that I struggle with daily. Um, and certainly not going anywhere, you know. Um This is good stuff, Rachel. I'm really kind of might have you on here. Um wasn't it okay? So let's let's get back a little bit to um I have this whole list here. Okay, so if it's safe to ask, and and you can just bypass this if you want to. You know, you mentioned you live with your parents.
SPEAKER_04:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:You thought about what'll happen when they go?
SPEAKER_04:Uh like my mom loves to talk about this, and she knows I don't I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Um, because I don't I'm not trying to make anybody on the box.
SPEAKER_04:Oh no, no, no. I'm just telling you that yeah, no, we we talk about a lot, and we actually did a a podcast episode with Inside Um Schizophrenia very recently on this exact subject. And um, that was a hard episode for me to do because it's like I don't like to think about um, you know, that kind of stuff. Uh the answer is that I my answer is pretty much I'll deal with it when it happens.
SPEAKER_01:Um I don't think that's a bad thing.
SPEAKER_04:And and I yeah, I'm not saying that's what don't don't model after me on that. Um, but yeah, yeah, I I don't know. And it's just kind of like it, I'm in a completely different place than I was three years ago. So who knows? Right, right, you know, how I'll be. So it's no for me, there's no reason to like really stress over it. Um my mom worries. Um, you know, she worries what you know, someone she just worries about if someone would take advantage of me, you know, if someone kind of, you know, that's if there's no one around to kind of watch me, so things like that. Um, and I think that's like gonna be a parent's worry.
SPEAKER_01:Um that's period. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I I tell you, my my my mom texts me 6,000 times a day to make sure I'm okay. And yeah, does it get overbearing? Absolutely. Is there's a point where I'm like, ma'am, I live my own life. But also, I cannot deny or not give them both the highest of accolades for the sacrifices they've had to make to make sure I'm still here. So, you know, it's unfair of me to really get super shitty about that when it's like, well, you put so much aside. My mom's mental health tanked for different reasons because of many things, this included. My dad has had to work really hard. Right now, he's paying all of our bills. You know, luckily he has enough money to be able to do that for us, but it's not like that's easy for him either. So we're in fortunate situations, again, yeah, me speaking, for me. Um so to take that away from them. And and one thing, a little bit of a segue into something I was gonna talk to you about if you're comfortable, is uh I am uh I'm someone who's passively suicidal. So constantly fixated on it. And there there are days it's it's to the point where I want to make a plan. I don't get to that point. You know, I I know what it's like when I hit those levels because I've been there and I've attempted twice and damn near succeeded twice. Or attempted three times. But the thing is, is that I it's something that's constantly on my mind. Um and you know, I I have to convince myself a lot not to go down that road. It's not, you know, I have to focus on my child and wife are there. I gotta be here for them. And of course, there's that whole thing of, well, wouldn't their lives be fucking better without me? Because I'm causing all that's the rig and roll that my mind goes through. And I know passively suicidal or not, a lot of us with true mental illnesses do go through a period where that can be a struggle. Have you ever gone through something like that yourself?
SPEAKER_04:Uh yeah. So, like I said, my diagnosis was um uh uh paranoid schizophrenic and dystymia. Dystymia is actually um long-term depression. It's not a it's not a um a diagnosis you really hear much anymore. Uh, but they used to use it. And yeah, I'm kind of it's it's hard to explain, but I'm kind of always suicidal, also. Um it is not the fact that like I'm ready to make a plan, it's more so like throw yourself off this building. It's just like a constant pull of do this, go do take that hammer to your head, uh, put that drill in your head, you know, thing is just a constant pull and having to be like, no, don't drink that bleach. Like it just it's always there. Um and of course it can get worse with things, but it's just a constant thing that's on my mind. Um and I mean, I'm on two different Top dosages of antidepressants and it doesn't make it go away.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. It doesn't go away that way.
SPEAKER_04:But it's uh yeah, it's just a a constant with me of you should um yeah, do this very bad thing. Um and sometimes they can be very graphic and horrible, and it's just a my theory almost is like, you know, they have those um, you know, whatever you do, don't touch this button or the whole ship will explode, right? This self-destruct button. Like, why do we have to do that?
SPEAKER_00:And what's the one thing you're tempted to do? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:And I feel that some of us, our button got pushed. And for whatever reason, like it goes against all human nature to survive, our button got pushed and it's like self-destruct, self-destruct mode.
SPEAKER_01:Damn, that's a good one, Rachel. I never heard that analogy. I love that. That's powerful. Yeah, I mean, so when you have those compulsions, which it sounds like is quite often, if that's the right word to use, um what do you what do you do? I mean and and let me ask you this first. Are they incredibly personal? Like, is it something like this is why you should do it? Because mine, it's like you're making everyone miserable, you're worthless, yada yada yada. It's very personal. So that creates the need to to to fulfill that to go do it, should kill myself. However, for you, is it just what's the vibe around that for you?
SPEAKER_04:So uh around early to mid-20s, yes, it was I had you know those constant thoughts, but also with my schizophrenia and the hallucinations would play off of them. And I eventually got electroconvulsive therapy for it. And that took away my depression- Did you really? Yes, that took away my deep, deep depression and made everything else more manageable. So since that, um honestly, it's been much more mount manageable. My schizophrenia really doesn't mess with my depression. Sometimes it will, but completely accept that. It's just like so that constant pull that's never gone away. But it's definitely easier for me to ignore and just be like, no, I don't need to put the drill in my head. Um, I'm not gonna, because they just pop up and it's like someone tells me, you know, drink that bleach. Like it's almost, you know, not like I've heard it, but like I'm told mentally to do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And just like this compulsive self, right? Mm-hmm. And so, yes, after I had electrical ball spirit, like honestly, that's what helped me to manage it all a lot more. Not now, again, it's management. I I don't think it'll ever go away.
SPEAKER_01:It's always management. Yeah, I've been on tons of anti-always.
SPEAKER_04:I've been on all the antidepressants, and none have made it go away. And the ones I'm on now, I feel like keep me stable, keep me from going downhill very quickly. And without them, I could have I it could all come back very quickly. If I wasn't on the antipressants, I don't know and I don't really want to try to do that. No need to be able to waters. But even things like I I don't want to be, I don't want to have a gun in the house. I don't want to, there's certain things that I can't be around. I can't be around um a lawnmower for you can use your imagination. Um, so there's certain things that I stay away from because I don't trust myself. Um I don't trust myself, and but that's why, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Wow. Yeah, I I will never have a gun in this house either. Um my dad, my family does, they're pretty into guns and you know, used to shoot uh for just gotta shoot on the property a lot. And uh I did that last time I did that, I think so. My grandmother committed suicide when I was 16, and my mom and I found her. There's a whole story behind that. Oh wow. But um it was before that because uh I was shooting targets with my dad, and out of nowhere I started hallucinating people I love, and I was shooting them, and they were just following what I yeah. So I never shot I haven't shot a gun since that was when I was in early teens. So um, yeah, I I don't have a gun in this house. And what's funny is, you know, the way the world is, and certainly certain members of my family lean into, well, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? It's like, not shoot them. It's like there's plenty of other self-defense things we can do. It's like, and honestly, it goes beyond me. It goes beyond I know what I have, yeah, and I'm unbelievably petrified that my son will end up with it because I think they've established there's a good chance it it's in your genes, and I'm so protective of that, of him in in in different ways. I'm not like I'm not like I don't know how to put this other than like religiously protective or that effect. It's more like I want to make sure he's not in situ like my wife doesn't work full-time. So I want to take it, she's actually a toddler teacher. And she works at a local school. So I'm like, we need to capitalize on having him there with you. Because, I mean, stories are just popping up all the time now about that shit, bad thing. So I'm just like, no, we're capitalizing on that. And I know she's got a little bit of discomfort just having your own child in your own class, which is very valid, but she's also on the same page of like, no, that's a protection thing that I'm gonna really enforce. And the other thing is I'm really careful about who he's around as far as I've got some alcoholics in the family. So, and I don't mind them when they're calmly drunk, but when they get really bad, it's they're not aggressive, it's just they're very no, they can be verbally abusive to certain people. I don't even want him around that. To me, it's just those things that probably maybe some parents wouldn't be quite as anal about. It's like, no, but that is exactly why. And also with the gun, it's like I don't want a gun in this house because I know where I was at, and I know I attempted with the gun, how I brought one to school to do myself off in the school. It's like I don't even want to give him that opportunity.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, so it's like, no, no guns in this house. So I'm glad you mentioned that too, because it's just yeah. Um so uh if we can kind of go on here to I wouldn't mind getting your opinion on some like more societal stuff, if that's cool to go into. Um so obviously you you become a pretty successful mental health advocate with your podcast and your socials, and people definitely look up to you. I certainly do. Um you you were I was so glad to be able to get you for this. Um, you were one of the first people I wanted on here, so this is this is kind of a thing for me. Um and do you ever feel like you're kind of tokenized as the mental illness success story? So like people love the triumph, but kind of skip the trauma kind of thing.
SPEAKER_04:That's a good question. I haven't really ever thought about it. Um not not really. Um my whole attitude and I I mean, I never really was trying to advocate for anything. I really didn't understand what that word meant. I was making these stupid um stunt videos, and that's what got me into um TV shows and things. But I was making these stupid stunt videos, and this is back when YouTube was a baby. So it's like the first few years of YouTube. I'm doing these videos, and I had my diagnosis. And back then, I can't remember if you had Google or not, maybe Ask Jeeves. Whatever you, if you put in schizophrenia, the only thing you got were like these journal articles or when flew over the cuckoo's nest. Like that was all that would come up.
SPEAKER_00:And I was like, I do love that movie. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_04:And I was like, I I I don't want anyone else to get a diagnosis, and that's the only thing they find. So I decided to make a video about it called um Living Normal Living with Schizophrenia, and I cringe. I hate that video, you know the young ones say about cringe. Oh my goodness. Like it's so like so bad. Like I hate myself in that video. Yes, unfortunately. But I made 20 years ago. No, no.
SPEAKER_00:I've got it. I totally get it. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_04:Well, it's funny because you watch it like you 20 years ago and you're like, oh my God, this is so hard. And I'm like, oh my god, that wasn't nothing. Stupid. You don't know what's about to happen. You dummy. But no, I sort of made that video. Because I'm like, even if someone Googles schizophrenia and it's like the 100th page my video pops up on on the Google search, at least they'll see someone that isn't those other two things. And that was kind of how it started. I just started um documenting my schizophrenia and making videos about it. And it it's always shocking to me how many people reach out and I'll think it's something like, oh, I shouldn't share this. People think it's weird, and I'll say it, and then someone will message me like, oh my God, the exact same thing. And it's crazy. Like you we all feel so alone and we have these, you know, dark thoughts or disturbing images, and think, oh my God, people are gonna be so scared. And then you say it, and all these people are like, oh, actually, yeah, I'm dealing with that too. Um that's kind of always been my push, is it's cool, you know, the more I share, the more people turn around and share with me and make me feel like I am not alone either.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and that boy, that's a beautiful thing. Because what's interesting, maybe it's it's wrong or selfish of me to feel this way, but it's just like even though I I I I don't have a lot of connections with people who are mentally ill. I just don't. I'm not the only uh I know maybe another bipolar person in my life that I'm close to. Um but there is always this, and I don't know if you struggle with this too, but there's still to me always a sense of feeling alone. Um I don't know if you struggle with that. And I because you know, no matter what I hear somebody talk about, it I it's validation for me. I feel so validated by you and Michelle and and so many others. But that for me, that's as far as it goes. It's like that validates me, but that doesn't make me feel as connected. And honestly, I'd love to get more in circles like that because of that exact reason. Um, I mean, I can't tell you how much this episode in itself is doing for me right in this moment because of this exact thing. I don't talk to other mentally ill people. Um talk to plenty of people who are so open to it and want to know more and you know, want the million experience and all that, but it's just there's the relation on that level is just not there. Um but I will say that I think you know, you were putting those videos out there all those years ago, and you were really sort of paranoid that certain people get a hold of them and say, Oh, that's what schizophrenia is like. That was your original worry, right? So that kind of plays into something. I just did an episode on this with my co-host, and it's the accountability and the authenticity that mental illness content creators have to have that is a bit more of a weight than others.
SPEAKER_04:Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:The reason I say that. Go ahead, go ahead.
SPEAKER_04:No, uh I I almost am overprotective uh when I have guests on the podcast and different things that have schizophrenia, because I'm like, unless they have a book out, unl you know, unless it's something like that where you could already find them, um, I'll I'll use a different name. Uh, and I'll let them know, hey, we're gonna make up a name because um, and one of my one of my friends, he was very uh incredible story, but he was open about his schizophrenia and it kind of went viral in a way, and it he was harassed horribly to the point now he doesn't talk about anything like that. And it really it really is unfortunate. Um, there's a lot of scary bad people in the world. Um and you do have to be careful um because it's I mean, you hear all the the stuff online about people getting doxxed and all those things, and yeah, it it's still a lot of you kind of have to be careful with who you tell. At this point, I'm like it's super out in the open with me. I'll I talk about it constantly. So I have no problem. But yeah, it's like, you know, it's out there. But yeah, I am very like overprotected sometimes when it comes to other people. Because I'm like, I don't I know it can go downhill very quickly, especially people who have kids or have certain jobs. You know, let's say you work at a daycare and someone, a mother there finds out and they don't want you working there anymore. You know, or let's say you work with finance and no one, no one's got wants to trust you with credit cards. You know, that like there's almost anything they can make up to why they don't feel safe with you knowing that. So it's not I was you know, when someone wants to say, hey, I want to start being more open about it, I'm like, that's awesome. Just think about that there could be consequences. And I was like, I'm very lucky that I don't have any. Um that goes back to I'm not married, I live with my parents. You know, I don't have really much to lose. Um, you know, at most I've lost a few like entertainment jobs that okay.
SPEAKER_01:Schizophrenia?
SPEAKER_04:Yes, yes. There's really but like that's I would say at most, and that's nothing because I probably would have lost them anyway. You're constant, you can't trust any of entertainment. It's always like 50-50, it'll never even happen.
SPEAKER_00:Um I gotcha, okay.
SPEAKER_04:And I always feel like, hey, well then I clearly wouldn't have wanted to work for those people if you know if this is how they are. This is this is just good because I would not have gotten along with any of these people.
SPEAKER_01:That makes sense. That makes sense. Like see, being able to you seem to be able to paint a lot of things just a positive light that that are probably objectively not really good things, but you you at least as I'm talking to you now, and I'm sure in moments that's damn near impossible for you, and certainly is for me. Um but I do agree with you that um, you know, once you're putting this stuff out there, it's a very vulnerable thing. And um, you know, I I don't have near the the the the followers and things that you and Michelle have. I mean the podcast is doing quite well, but outside of that, it really isn't. I don't have much of a hold. What I will say is I've done a couple videos that have, you know, in that 40 to 50,000 view on on TikTok. And it's it one that really struck me is I did one where I talk about suicide, and I talked about you know my failed attempts and you know got into detail and stuff, and of course you have to use the unaliving bullshit and all that stuff, which drives me nuts. I don't know how you feel about that. I don't like that. But that aside, um I put that out there and then somebody commented, um, well, you you're either incredibly stupid or you didn't really want to die. Somebody commented that. What I did is I did a video response, and I just did me laughing my ass off, and I said, I guess I'm a moron then. And that video got double the original, so like in the 100k range. But you wouldn't believe how many comments were on there. And what's interesting is both sides, people being complete assholes to the point of recommending the caliber of gun to use next time.
SPEAKER_02:Wow.
SPEAKER_01:On the other side, you had people like, but it what I did, my approach, and I commented to each one of those people. And it wasn't to be like trashing them, it was like one of my favorites that somebody said was, you know, my my freaking feed's always blowing up with this stuff, so I just had to comment and let people know that. And I I mean I said, Look, clearly your feed's blowing up with these because you're you're looking this stuff up.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, the algorithm plays into what you're watching. So I said, look, I said, if you're struggling, I have a Discord called the struggle bus that I try to get push people to. It's just a community where people can get on there and talk and completely open, judgment free, it's a great thing. I always promote it on here and everywhere else. But what's interesting is I was like, come on the struggle bus and talk about it. Like, you know what I mean? It's just but what I want to say with that is I'm in a place, even though I'm passively suicidal and all this stuff, I will say, like, if I'm gonna off myself, it ain't gonna be because of you assholes. I said anybody's gonna, and it's a weird thing to take agency over.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, it's like you guys aren't gonna influence that. But here's my thing is that what if somebody, maybe like your friend or somebody else who isn't prepared or in the mental state to handle that sort of backlash, you might have prompted somebody to go ahead and go do it. Exactly, yeah. And that's the dangerous part. And I certainly had some interesting backlash from podcast episodes and and things, and and my approach to things is pretty damn harsh and things, but there's nothing clean about mental illness, and I don't like I don't like looking at it from a true sanitized point. I think that's valid too. And that kind of segues me into so like let me ask you this and then I'll kind of proceed with it.
SPEAKER_04:So, what kind of before you before you go, I just want to mention this, what you were saying. I what always helps me is that when people lash out, there's a reason. And it's usually that you hit a nerve, and so that that's that helps me kind of deal with a lot of the stuff because once people just come out of the the woodwork, just like, yeah, you need to kill yourself, you need to do this. And uh, I am a woman and a lot of it, I get lots of crude messages, so I could f the schizophrenia out of you very rapey and uh things like that. But it's like obviously something hit a nerve in you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:And not all the time, but sometimes I've been able to flip these people because I'll just like recalm, you know, reply back calmly and be like, Well, thank you for watching the video, even though they said all the stuff.
SPEAKER_01:You're even more than that. It's like just, oh, thanks for watching. Like that level of Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:They're right. I was it usually will start because they'll feel bad, like, well, trap, I called her all these bad words and she she didn't respond back the way I thought she would. Um, so that's what always that that's what helps me is that if someone lashes out, they're probably going through the exact same thing and they're not ready to deal with it.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, absolutely. And that's a much more poetic way of saying one thing I love about my co-host, he's so good about putting Michaelshit into uh rec recognizable uh terms. Um, no, that's beautiful. And that that's the approach I kind of try to take too. And there's times, you know, you hear that shit and you're boy, you're mad about it.
SPEAKER_04:Well, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, you are livid about some of the stuff. And of course, you being a woman, like truly, I can't imagine some of the stuff you're getting. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I always have to step away. I can't, I'll never respond to something when I read it. Um, I have to step away. And usually like the next day, I don't care as much. Like it's already simmered in my head. So I'm like, I yeah, luckily I've I've learned that one. Is don't reply right away because that's I'm not gonna be happy with I'm gonna regret something.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and I mean uh Chad GBT is one of my best friends. Because you know, if I want to respond to something incredibly harsh, you know, I will put something through that and say, can you take can you take this and put it in this? And I I can't tell you how many emails and texts and comments, and I respond to you that way, and it does help because I mean I get triggered to be angry ungodly easy. And and part of my struggle with my mental illness, the way it manifests in me is I have to process out loud. I don't know if this is something you have to do. But since I barrage with voices all the time, I don't do internal thinking. You know, if I if I'm pondering something or if I'm mad at somebody, that includes my wife, my father, my mom, whoever, if I'm mad at them, boy, some outlandish shit comes out of my mouth. And it's not, it's not violent in nature. It's not about that. It's never been like I'm going to do something to them. It's like the anger about things comes out differently. Right. And it and it's very, it gets outlandish, it gets obnoxious as far as like what is my, but that's how I process. And what's interesting is once I get off of those anger highs, I don't know what you call them, but once I come down, it's like, wow, now I know exactly where I'm at. And that's actually how I feel about it. My wife is a fucking saint because she, we've been together almost eight years. Well, we've got over eight years, married um almost six. See, the saint. Because she does not come up from a family of mentally ill. She's lived a pretty sanitary life. And she would, she's happy about that. You know what I mean? That's no complaints with that, but she's lived a pretty safe sanitary life. So for me to be somebody who's processing out loud and saying the things I say, and but that's my process, she is insane for understanding that. I know it's hard for her. How couldn't it be? But that to me is a testament of the quality human being she is to be able to do that. Um the only other people in my life I've been able to do that to without getting any sort of kind of that thrown back at me, which wouldn't be good, is my parents. Um, you know, but before my wife was able to do that, it was always going to mom and dad's to get that shit out and then I come back. But yeah, that's so neat that you shared all that, that processing. Because I was gonna ask you, has there ever been a time that something really got you? I mean, too much. It was dangerous how much a comment or of something got you.
SPEAKER_04:I can't really think I mean I'm sure when I was younger, yes. Um but in the past 10 years, no, no, nothing's bothered me uh at all pretty much since then. Yeah. I actually I had a job interview for um this physician for something, and I, you know, people Google you nowadays, which is fine. And I just was thrown when in the um the interview, uh the gentleman said, and why do you talk about your schizophrenia? Like, aren't you afraid like we won't pick you if you're open about it? And it just threw me because I'm like, okay, first of all, I don't think that's an appropriate interview question. But I was like, oh, you know, and he was kind of aggressive with it. And I was like, well, here's the deal. And I explained, you know, about me. Um, you know, come to find out, and they did hire me, uh, come to find out, you know, he was dealing with a very serious um brain disorder. And that's why he was so curious because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get any more jobs if people found out that he was struggling so much with this brain disorder. And we ended up becoming great friends and talking about because uh, but my first reaction was, who the hell does this man? You know, like I I, you know, I wanted to pop off on him and you know, put him in the right. Don't you ask me, you know, that's and just I just interpreted it completely wrong and found out he's a great guy and struggling with some of a very serious uh illness.
SPEAKER_01:That's a powerful story right there. I like that. Yeah, I yeah, I mean, uh one thing I I definitely struggle with myself is people who have good intent towards me, I process that as not. You know, it it is very much I I struggle so much because I project um my own insecurities from other people's, you know, view. So it's like if I feel this way, well everybody else is, you know. It's like, you know, that I'm not a good father, husband, provider, person in general. Nobody has ever told me. But if I get if I get a comment that I can not purposefully but twist it to think that, although that that's oh, yep, that's what they think, then I will reel on that forever. And that takes me forever to come back and remember, hey, this person would never feel that way or or say that or think that, you know. I've gotta be a nightmare for people. You know, and you know, and and that's kind of goes back into the whole struggling um to feel like you know, belonging here is a good thing. But um what I was gonna say too is um so what was I add here? Sorry. I got this whole list, but I didn't want to get all of them. Uh just kind of um I mean you did say so you've had some pro professional blowback due to your diagnosis.
SPEAKER_04:Uh oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I guess what I want to ask too is so as I mean, you know, you and I when you go out there, let's say you nobody knew you had to get the diagnosis. Like you go out there, you're just Rachel, nobody knows anything beyond that. Would anybody be able to tell just interacting with you on a day-to-day basis?
SPEAKER_04:No, no, most people don't know unless um like I tell them. Um jobs, however, I would say if you interacted with me every day, yes, you would pick up on something. And that is why I have to tell people because sometimes it can appear that I'm drunk uh when my speech starts kind of falling. So it is important I because then they're like, whoa, okay, Rachel's really off today. Uh and there's certain things I'm bad with numbers. So I I always have to have people check timesheets and things like that for me. Um, but I would say those people working with me every day might pick up on, okay, there's some Rachel might miss a marble or two, or maybe she's or maybe she's like, you know, drinking on the job and don't smell it on her, but her she's slurring and her eyes are darting all over, and you know, but yeah, for the most part, I don't think people would ever pick up on it unless it was like repeatedly day-to-day.
SPEAKER_01:So and me too, by the way. Um, people are normally, I imagine, like you are kind of surprised when it comes out if they don't really know you that well. Yeah. Um, the one I want to ask, and I've certainly noticed this in my own life, is you know, as someone who functions pretty damn well the majority of the time, often though, when I when I get where I can't, it's not understood or it's it's looked at negatively because a majority of the time I'm on this typical functioning level. But then when I'm just not capable of it and I have to do different things or I process things differently, or whatever you want to call it, then it's like there's judgment that comes. There's a non-understanding anymore. It's like, well, he's fine all the other time. What's going on now? You know, it's like there's a lot of judgment that comes when I hit those levels. Um, and actually that makes it hard. It's like there's times that I'm like, gosh, should I just not function to this force myself? And I as I don't know about you, but I'm forcing myself to mask and to function at the level I do most of the time. It is forcing myself. Um, you know, if I was in a comfort, I'd probably be gaming 24. You know what I mean? That would be comfortable. I mean, it's not healthy, not saying that at all. But I didn't know if your thought would be are you affected by that? Like because you function so well when you hit those lows when you're not capable of functioning to that level, do you get judgment or or no no support? Or like does that negatively affect you from others from the outside?
SPEAKER_04:So um the other day I was like at this event for five hours. Um, you know, and I'm I'm on it. I you would have any clue. I'm very energetic, I'm very like hyped up. Now, the minute I got home, I crashed and I slept all through the next day. Um, so that's the kind of stuff that people don't see is that yeah, it takes a lot of energy for me um to do that. And I usually will crash. And the people who only who see the crash are just my parents. Um like they're the only ones who see me at that, oh, Rachel hasn't gotten out of bed in two days. Uh, even just like traveling is really hard on me. And I like to I love to travel. I hate the part of getting there. Uh so yeah, yeah, I'll be uh when I like say, okay, I'm gonna be gone for two weeks, I then have to schedule almost the next week because I don't know what state I'll be in. Um because it just it all just takes so much out of me to to do that kind of stuff. Um so yeah, no, I I get it with the masking. And then I also say being an entertainment background, you almost have that kind of turn on, turn off with like a personality. Yeah, so it's it's definitely all mixed together. I would say that I'm a lot better at speaking and things because I do public speaking and acting and all that. Um so I will say that masks in itself that just because I've been trained how to I, you know, walk and talk. I used to teach modeling classes. So you know, just doing those things, yeah, yeah. Um masks a lot of stuff just because I know how to do them. I know how to stand correctly and wow, okay.
SPEAKER_01:So through acting, you've kind of adopted kind of coping. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, not even like meaning to, but yeah, you like it. Right.
SPEAKER_01:That's boy, that's neat. Wow, that's really cool. Okay. Um, I also um I just discovered, and actually I heard about it from the podcast you did, um, reality check is you had comic books. I literally, I literally got them today. I did not look at them. Oh, I thought you talked yeah, you know, you talked about what they are, and and I I looked at the a little bit of them, I was like, this is really cool. Like, I don't need to that I haven't delved into them a lot because I literally just got them probably three hours ago. But I was like, damn, that's what a neat concept. So kind of to segue, um, you know, you um did you draw those yourself?
SPEAKER_04:Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, very cool, very cool.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, and it's pretty much adult Rachel uh talking to me. What I wished as a kid someone would have explained to me. Like that, that's that's kind of what happens in the first issue is you know, little Rachel is she has a different name though, uh sees this horrible monster everywhere and she's scared of it. And I kind of come in and you know help her deal with that. And that's kind of it's just what I wish someone would have done if they had realized what was going on with me, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right.
SPEAKER_04:And so that that's what I made it, yeah. Is uh in the kids in the in the book. So the kid, uh the first one schizophrenia, second was depression, third one was um ADHD. Once the kid um they learn how to manage whatever the issue is, and then they're able to recognize it in other people. And when they help another person, they turn into a superhero.
SPEAKER_02:That's cool.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's really cool.
SPEAKER_04:And that that and I've because that's how it always be, you know, once you are experiencing, you're able to like say, oh, hey, you know what? I think I know what's going on with this dude or that, you know, this girl over here. Like you you notice it in other people.
SPEAKER_01:And now that is empowering.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. And you almost have a superpower. Like if you've been dealing with hallucinations for so many years, and then you got this other person, and they just got diagnosed, they don't know what to do, they're like 21, you're like, hey, hey, hey, it'll get easier. Let me tell you some tricks.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right. Gosh, that's neat. So you're you're absolutely right. I mean, there is an empowerment to being because I mean, I'm pretty hyper-aware of, you know, others who are struggling with mental illness, but I'm also pretty socially um adept too. Um, I can read people really well. And I think I've developed that through just being incredibly social. Um, I'm an extrovert. Um, I don't know how many extroverts there are that are have what we have. I don't know, but like I get I need it. Um I don't do well if I don't interact with a lot of people. Um so not only by being fully aware of what I'm going through, it's kind of through interaction that that I can read people really well. But I love that concept. That is really cool. Have you sold a lot of those?
SPEAKER_04:No, God no. Really? No, of course not.
SPEAKER_01:See, it's actually valuable stuff like that. That's neat. Um so so you you drew them yourself, you wrote them yourself too, I imagine, right?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_04:Um no, and I I try and have them as low as possible, you know, cost wise. Kindled three bucks. It's just I hope kids can find them. You know, I hope someone who, you know, is in that situation or like someone, hey, my niece actually, you know, is having this issue. Like that, that's kind of I just wanted to get that concept out there. Um, because kids are, you know, overlooked so often with uh mental health things. And they're going through some really scary stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, absolutely. I mean, mentally ill or not, frankly. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean that's just really neat the that's that's a really neat concept. Um, I'm sorry that's not out there more. I mean, but maybe, I mean, I don't know how much you promote it. I mean, hell, I'll promote it on here. Thank you. I can't I can't wait to actually sell that.
SPEAKER_04:I I love making I love making media. I'm not good at selling it. I love making it. Yeah, I mean I can make a TV show movie, but I'm not, but I'm not the one to sell it. I'm just not good at that part.
SPEAKER_01:Like you, you know, you do your podcast and you said, you know, before we got in here, I was having all these technical crap going on. And you said yourself, you know, you you don't really do the production side of that, is that right?
SPEAKER_04:Right, yeah. Yeah, we actually have the Would you enjoy doing it?
SPEAKER_01:Like you're in my shoes and you're just an independent BS thing. Would you enjoy doing the production side yourself? Is that something you enjoy doing? Not trying to hire you. I'm just curious if it's something you enjoy.
SPEAKER_04:I I I don't so much with audio, like for instance, podcasts. I I do more with uh like uh film and and TV show editing, that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01:So you do enjoy that. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:What's interesting is like I hate the production side of everything. Um like producing this in post is gonna suck ass for me.
SPEAKER_04:That's why I'm like I'm glad I don't have to like if if they had come to me and say, hey Rachel, we want you to host this and edit it on.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, yeah, uh it it it but that goes with anything. I like doing the content. It's like I drum, I'm a drummer, so I've been playing 20-ish years and I've started to put out actual drum videos out there, um, which have done really well. But what's interesting is I didn't do that for many years because there wasn't an easy process to do it. You know, before you had to record the drumming, audio, mix it, line it up, all this crap. Well, now there's a module, you do it all at once. It's the only reason I started putting it out there. It's like this podcasting stuff, it's like I love doing it. I love doing this, but it's just like even the post-production itself sometimes is enough to make me dread doing it. And it's just like, I just want to talk to people and throw it out there, but you can't throw a half-assed put-together product out there. You know how to. I was just curious if that's something you enjoyed, but kind of more deeper into that is you know, we on this podcast, we uh my co-host and I talk a lot about flow state. So that's doing something creative that basically helps you hit some sort of zen peaceful plane.
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Um, so when I drum, um, drumming is my number one coping skill, has been since I was 12. Um, I I always say I would not be here without it. And it it it is, it's it. That is the thing. That's the only thing that I can hit flow state in, is when I'm drumming. And I have to be drumming for like 30 to 45 minutes. And basically in that moment, it's the only time in my life where I don't feel symptomatic. Um, it's that level of of um depth into this craft. Um and to me, and one thing I I talk about a lot on socials and everything, is the importance of just something creative. Um because that's something you put you express through, you pour yourself into. Um, and and it doesn't have to be necessarily art or music or or movies. It can be like, I know you're big into exercising. Um, don't you do you call one of your channels the fit schizophrenic or something like that? Is that I must be thinking of something else. I mean, but but yeah, I know you're big into staying in shape and things like that. Like that's something that's important to you. But to me, that can be that too. You can hit flow through something that is purely for yourself. Um, so I didn't know like what is there something that can get you to a state, and it's while you're awake, but is there something that can get to a state where you almost lose yourself so much in it that you feel non-symptomatic? Is that is there anything that does that for you?
SPEAKER_04:I'm trying to think about it. Uh, because it's almost I I almost have the opposite. I have to be careful because if I I can get stuck in states and suddenly 10 hours have passed and I um yeah, and it's hard for me to disengage, like my mind is just kind of um get stuck in a loop. So it's kind of funny because you say the flow state, and I'm thinking, oh no, that's the opposite. Once I start to do that, oh crap, we gotta break.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, that's great. I've not heard that for that's amazing to hear.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it can get kind of dangerous.
SPEAKER_01:And that's yeah. Can you talk about that?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I and it can happen almost over anything. I can just get locked onto something and then just I can't stop. And I'm like stuck in um a loop on it. Um, and that's when they have to be careful. We have with with media stuff, like for instance, video editing. I can get stuck and suddenly it's 15 hours later and I haven't moved. I haven't, you know, um, and I've just gone inside my head. And it could be, you know, something as small as like checking email. It's one thing I, you know, uh for the audience listening, uh I'm very slow at responding to emails because it it has to, I have to be like okay mentally to handle it. Um I just kind of yeah, and I just have to be careful with certain things and and it sucks too because I love to research. Like I genuinely enjoy learning. Like I just love to learn like things. So I'll uh anything. Like I I'll watch a movie and be like, let me look up the production. I want to know the drama that went on behind the scenes. What you know, like I I need to know. Like if there was something quirky in it, let me know. If it's a documentary, what did they leave out? Like, because you know they had to clean it up for Netflix. I want I want the whole story. Let me go and uh things like that. And so anything I can get lost on um these rabbit holes, and it sucks because we have our phones and they're just everywhere. It's hard not to, yeah, it it's harder and harder to just stop. It's one thing if I have to sit at my computer, I can get up and walk away. But the phone, you know, you always have to told you all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:So I that's one thing is like I'll leave it in other rooms and then I'll miss calls, but it is what it is. But I I sometimes I've straight up leave my phone away um because I know that if it's around, I might go down some rabbit hole. And not in again, just random stuff.
SPEAKER_01:See, I I'm glad you said that perspective, because that's not what I've considered. Because wow. So in those states, like let's say you lose yourself in what you're doing, do you feel do you notice your symptoms going away in those states? I'm just curious, at least on that level.
SPEAKER_04:I kind of just lock in. I like that.
SPEAKER_01:What's dangerous about those states for you?
SPEAKER_04:Uh I lose time.
SPEAKER_01:Um so things that need to get done don't get done. Like, yeah, I'm not moving.
SPEAKER_04:I'm I'm just kind of stuck in that um, it's not catatonia, but it I do think it might have something kind of along those lines of where yeah, I can just get stuck um doing things. And that that's one reason it goes back to I can't live alone, is that it even just like right now I can hear like my parents walking around upstairs, that can kind of just human interaction snaps me out of it real quick. So it's easy to snap me out, but I can't do it myself.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_04:It's just very, very difficult for me to pull myself out once it starts. I just keep going and going and going and going.
SPEAKER_01:Do you find it hard to let yourself enjoy things then? Like movies, music? Can you get like so? So you do you have to limit your almost your enjoyment in that way just for the the stability of your mental?
SPEAKER_04:I would say I and this sounds bad to say, but like I don't really I always say I'm I'm like even Kilcher all the time. I'm just always even. I'm never really happy. Um I'm just always kind of baseline. So the enjoyment is even like it's hard to really enjoy things. Um and there's just uh very few things that I'm like, okay, I like doing this, so I'll I'll stick to that. But even sometimes I wonder, I'm like, am I just telling myself I like it?
SPEAKER_01:But that's so that's so beautiful you said that, and there's a reason because I literally made this TikTok video. I have not posted it on exactly that. I called it mental health tips on the toilet. It was, it was it's well.
SPEAKER_04:It sounds like that needs to go on OnlyFans.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I've joked about that before.
SPEAKER_04:Depends on what you're showing it, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, full full version on OnlyFans, the last part of it. See, that's it right there. Um but it's exactly that, you know, especially with bipolar. Um, and clearly with your schizophrenia, that's something. I hadn't really considered that for schizophrenia, but I do know with my symptoms, you know, having schizophrenic and bipolar symptoms, my bipolar actually is what makes the schizophrenia hard to manage. My bipolar's together, the schizophrenia side doesn't get me. It's actually when the bipolar is out of black, then this side is really hard for me to manage. A lot of people are confused by that. You know, it is actually the bipolar side is hard for me to handle than the schizophrenia side. It is weird that way. But um I was gonna say is what I found, and it's damn near the hardest thing for me to do, is to stay flat. That exact thing you mentioned, because that is stability for us. Um, you know, I'm very much somebody who, when I'm with friends, I I can't help but laugh my ass off at everything. Um people people notice that about me, that I'm such I'm jovial often to the point of being obnoxious about it. I want to give, I want to give myself that joy. Problem is, the way it works for me is with my bipolar is that if I get to that extreme high, I'll enjoy that however long it lasts, but then I don't return to even. I go down to I take below it. Oh, yeah. I go down to depressive. But then when I'm in that state, that state could linger for a long time. And that's the dangerous state for me because that's when suicidal ideation becomes a consideration. Um, so for my mental stability, I guess in a different way, I have to maintain that that uh cue. What sucks about that, just like you even said a bit yourself, is that well, now we can't allow ourselves the extreme really getting into something to the level we would like to. And honestly, to me, that includes the lows too. It's like I don't feel safe all the time allowing myself to hear the most depressing music in the world that I love, by the way. There's music that is very deep and and profound and emotional and all this stuff, but I can't allow myself in that state either. And and it is hard to deprive yourself of those extreme emotions. That's not fun either. Um, but it's kind of that whole thing of well, it's either you enjoy those very fleeting temporarily and then you're miserable the rest of the time in whatever way that is, or you kind of stay even keel and enjoy things on a safe level. You know what I mean? And of course that's not really fair, but nobody said any of this was fair.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So let me ask you this. Um what is your opinion on social media then as far as the effect it has on mental health awareness, mental illness awareness? And I'll kind of give you a bit of an example. You know, you've got um I I see an epidemic of people self-diagnosing. Um, and I would say it doesn't usually lean schizotypal. I don't see a lot of people self-diagnosing schizophrenia. Um not to go on a little bit of a tangent, but one of my favorite comedians, Tim Dillon, um, his mother was schizophrenic. He's a political comedian. He talks about how he has a real problem with people self-diagnosing, but he says, I've never seen one person try to self-diagnose schizophrenia because it'd be like a Daniel Day Lewis Oscar worthy to try to pull that up. I don't know, I thought it was funny. But what I'm saying is you see this big thing of somebody trying to do that. I don't think that's healthy. I uh what I like about when it's safe on social media and like the podcast and stuff is exposure. It's like this is out there. If this is something you relate to or you feel you're going through, go the professional route, then go that route. To me, so many. And what I'm seeing, and maybe I'm perceiving it wrong, sure. But what I'm seeing is so many are just like, oh, I have this because I heard this one person say they have that symptom. It's like, well, I have that. And is it because they want to feel unique? Is it because they want help? I mean, what's your perspective on kind of all of that? Because it's something I struggle with, say a lot of.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I definitely feel that um, especially like in the past three years, it kind of became like a trend to talk about um certain mental things. Uh I'm not, so this is might be a different take. I'm not so much against the self-diagnosis. Now, you need to get a real diagnosis, but I I do think that because we have the internet, because we have all these things, you know, let's say if 17-year-old Rachel had had this, and I could have found out then that, oh, wait a second, this is a real thing. This person's talking about hallucination. This person's like, oh, I'm clearly not demon-possessed. That's a stupid thing to say. This is a real thing. It's documented, it's quite documented. Um I almost like, on one level, it's like, hey, I think it's good because there are people who are hurting. Um and this can help them. Of course, the other end is there are people taking advantage. There's always gonna be, you know, fate and putting out bad information. There's I'm constantly hit with people telling me to stop taking my meds and all this other stuff.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm like holistic route and all that stuff.
SPEAKER_04:And then I'm like, if that's fine if it works for you. But exactly, I say that too. Sharing that with me. You don't know my situation, you don't know what I've been through, and you don't know what I'm like without my meds. So it very well you could be pretty much condemning me to death and you don't realize too.
SPEAKER_01:It's like, yeah, you know what? I don't we don't know what they've been through. So that works for them wonderful.
SPEAKER_04:Right. I'm like, look if going vegan, if going all all carnivore with whatever keto or whatever it is, yeah, then that's awesome. But yeah, share it, you could share your news about it, but you have to be careful with promoting it so much for hey, everyone, you should do this too.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I uh one thing I try to do, and I I've seen others do that I really like is if you're gonna put like a mental health tip out there, it's like, before I before I ever do any of them, it's like, this works for me.
SPEAKER_04:Right. For me.
SPEAKER_01:This may not work for a single other damn person out there. If it does, wonderful. I hope it helps many of you. Maybe it doesn't help any of you. I'm just throwing it out there. I am really careful and adamant, and it drives me nuts when others do that. It's like, no, that like especially pushing the diets and the holistic medicine and things like that. It's like, if that works for you, wonderful, but don't discount that the meds and therapy and all this stuff is working. But um, I I didn't know kind of what you thought about some of that. And I totally, I totally agree with you that I think it's wonderful that the wealth of information and um exposure is out there. Um and like I said, I I I personally look at it that, yeah, I mean, if you if you see like one of us or somebody else out there that is having these symptoms and talking about it, I think having that, okay, this is a thing that I need to go explore professionally. That see, what I get concerned with myself is when it's like that that's where the buck stops. It's like I have this. Well, now I'm gonna self-medicate in unhealthy ways because I don't have access to the profession, professional stuff, or I'm going to claim things that aren't, you know, whatever, and take advantage of it. So and uh kind of the segue too is the advocacy side. So you mentioned you weren't even really looking at it as advocacy for a long time. It was more about just boom, putting it out there. Um, what's interesting is when I got into doing all this, and I still struggle with calming the fuck down about it. Um, I mean, I talk about this stuff and I see things I don't like, and I see things that I think objectively are wrong or hurting the message or the or the stigma or whatever. And it's like I get mad about it, I have to go out there and uh, you know, get at people, and and I don't do it directly to people, it's kind of it's society as a whole. And I think there's something to that, but from what I observe, you have a good balance and you have a different demeanor about you that is pretty pleasant to listen to. Um you know, I hear you on Inside Schizophrenia and some of your socials, and it's not so much about jabbing at society near as much as it is putting your story out there. This is the vibe I'm getting. Putting your story out there and letting who comes to it come to it and get whatever they want out of it. Um God, I think that's a healthy approach. And I don't know if that's how you're feeling when you do it, because I don't want to put words in your mouth, but that's how it feels to me with what you put out there. I mean something you're consciously doing.
SPEAKER_04:Well, my my whole thing is that I try and be very, very upbeat about schizophrenia, talking about it, and which is hard because I have gotten messages from like mothers who said, you don't need to talk about like this is a joke. You don't need to, you know, act like this is a good thing, you know, my child died. And and I'm like, I understand that. But as someone with schizophrenia, if all I ever find are people talking about how horrible their lives are, how does that, how am I going to keep going? Right. And I'm almost, you know, maybe there's a kid out there who needs to see, oh, hey, here's a person with schizophrenia, and they look happy. They're able to do this, they're able to do that, they're able to have a job, they're able to have a family, you know, and that can help them, just knowing it's possible. And that's kind of just that's my thing is that I want to focus on like the happiness, the cool stuff. Uh, we were talking about, I don't really feel um happiness and things like that. So it pushes me to do extremes. Uh I went I went volcano hiking uh last November, which is exactly what it sounds like. Because yeah, and then I was like, I went to um Thailand and Cambodia this year fighting Mui Thai. Um, you know, and people are like, wow, that's really you doing some extreme things. And I'm like, yeah, um, to feel something. And I'll almost I set up trips and things like that to give me something to look forward to. Because obviously I'm I'm not going to um do anything bad to myself if I've already bought this thousand dollar plane ticket, you know, in six months. Oh, fair enough. Okay. Like I do that all the time. Where I mean, that's you know, people are like, oh, you really want to go to this country? And I'm like, I'll find something interesting to do there. And I know that's gonna I'm no I'm not going anywhere, we'll put it that way, till after that trip. And then when I get back, I schedule another trip. Um just trying to find Yeah, just trying to find, I don't want to say over the top, but exciting things to do.
SPEAKER_01:That's actually really deep. Because it goes beyond you're trying to give yourself the next thing.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:To be is that deep and like that's what you mean? Is like the next thing to be around for?
SPEAKER_04:Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01:Wow.
SPEAKER_04:And I'm like really cheap. So the minute I put money on something, I'm going. So I mean that that alone, I'm like, well, I'm not gonna waste a thousand dollars. We're clearly not going to do any, not gonna do anything to myself till after I've gotten the ticket. Yeah. I'm not wasting that.
SPEAKER_01:And then you just kind of exist on your even plane until you not miserable or not unhappy, just even that's good stuff. That's good stuff. Um wow, okay. There's some good stuff here. I like this. Um so you kind of let me ask you about this. So as far as how do you feel about cancer culture and things like that? What'd you say? I say cancer culture. Cancel culture. Oh, okay, okay.
SPEAKER_04:That's what I thought you said too.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, we're not gonna touch on it. No, cancel culture. But then what I mean. What I mean by that is, you know, one thing I struggle with a lot is, you know, I like all extremes of humor. Um, you know, any extreme of it. Um, and certainly one thing that I think a lot of people get uncomfortable around me about is the way I approached a lot of things with humor that probably objectively aren't funny. The difference is I know when to take something serious too. It's not like something serious with my son or my family or that is serious. I'm not gonna be joking about that. But here's my thing, you know, I'm bombarded with such negativity and and evil level of darkness all the time that, you know, um, one of the biggest things is that recently um, you know, I did a podcast and I said I was talking about religion, I kind of made a joke that was very harsh about religion. Well, I asked people who are religious that listen to the podcast. And it wasn't intended for that, but the way I described it is I've got, you know, like I said, I don't share at all what I hear in my head. So when things like that come out, I try to I try to guise it through humor. And of course, that humor is going to be pretty damn scathing at times. So the way I kind of explained it to this person and others, even on that podcast, is I was like, look, the reason things come out that way, really crass or harsh or whatever, but I try to guise it in humor, I try to project it that way, is that's how I have to process. That's how I have to get out the insanity that is in my head all the time. Which I know what I get is like the even that little bit makes people uncomfortable, which is another example why I will never share any more than that. Because even even the tidbits I I disguise as humor are, you know, not taken well. So kind of on that is that, you know, I don't really, it really bothers me when so many are, you know, canceling Dave Chappelle or Louis C.K. or Anthony Jesslinick, I'm a I'm a comedian guy. You know, all these comedians who, yeah, have some incredibly dark arse, whatever humor. It's like my perspective, and I really like this perspective, is if that humor is for you, wonderful. And this can be any content, but I'm talking humor just as an example. But if that's for you, then indulge yourself in that. Enjoy that. That's cathartic, that can be therapeutic, that's validating, whatever it is. And if it's not for you, avoid it. Just leave it. But don't try to eliminate it from the world or judge people who are enjoying that. Um, and I I would argue that when people are so adamant against something, you're actually stealing the fire for people to lean into that more. Um a lot of that from what I observe is entertainment. Um, and we all love different forms of entertainment. So I I didn't know, like, does that sort of thing bother you?
SPEAKER_04:Um, I definitely think that with the internet, we are able to have different people's points of views that we didn't um years ago. And there's a lot of stuff that has been said and done that is not acceptable anymore. You know, that just jokes and stuff that, hey, honestly, I thought it was funny in the 90s. I really like this movie, and then I'm putting it on now, like, oh wow, this is problematic. Um, I like Eminem. All a lot of his songs are so problematic now that I wouldn't really want to play them around people because there's a lot of gay slurs in them, which I never thought about before. Um, and and now I'm like, you know, I don't want to, you know, it's just kind of like, wow, that's yeah, it's like makes it hard to listen to certain things. Um so I don't think, you know, as far as like cancel stuff, I think it's important to be like, hey, we have grown, we have learned that, you know, just making fun of people we don't understand, we've never heard their point of view isn't right. Right. But if you continue doing it, if now you know, if you have a gay friend and you know this, you have someone in your family who's gay, and yet you continue, that is where I think the issue is.
SPEAKER_00:Um Okay, okay, I'll follow you.
SPEAKER_04:And with um, I went to uh you ever heard of Upright Citizens Brigade? Uh that's like a yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a comedy school and stuff. And one thing I liked that they said there was always punch up. So if it's an easy, if the if it's an easy target, no. If it comes to your mind quickly, no, it was probably an easy target.
SPEAKER_01:Interesting.
SPEAKER_04:Always punch up. And I I really like that. And that's something I've always tried to stick with is yeah, always punch up or at yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong, you know, with you having dark humor about yourself. It's you, right? And if I'm I'm like, how can I be offended with how you talk about yourself?
SPEAKER_00:Good point.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, I I yeah. I mean, even if like we both schizophrenia and I don't agree with that, I'm like, that's you know, that's your opinion, and that's whatever helps you, you know. And there's gonna be things about me that I know people do not agree with, and like Rachie shouldn't do that, or right.
SPEAKER_01:And that's just people being people, you know, that's just different from the people. No, I I appreciate that a lot, actually. I appreciate that standpoint. No, something I just go ahead.
SPEAKER_04:Oh well, something with my mom that really stuck out to me is uh, you know, she this was a few years ago, she came and she goes, you know, I don't understand what is with all of these cops that are suddenly now going after these black people, all these like videos that go, you know, viral. And I'm like, well, mom, it's always been that way. We just didn't know about it. You know, and we just because we never saw that, um, we never saw that side. And she, you know, since that she is like really learned so much about what other people go through. Um, because yeah, we never saw that side. It's easy for us to be like, oh, well, yeah, like what's the problem with the police? Just chill out. And but you see some of these videos and you're like, what the hell is happening? Um I can guarantee a lot of the times, like had I been in that situation, they wouldn't have done that. Times in the past where I had been in that situation, that didn't it didn't play out that way.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right. No, I do think.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, we we are able now to see viewpoints that we couldn't before. And yeah, that's kind of that's kind of that's how I view it all.
SPEAKER_01:So I like that. That's a great perspective. I didn't that's really good. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:And honestly, comedy should evolve. You know, and they I don't think you should just cancel out a comedian, but I do think their comedy should evolve.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:Like I I'm not saying you're not funny. I just think, hey, let's evolve with the comedy. If everyone around us is evolving, let's yeah, keep going.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and you're right. I mean, the best comedians do. You know, they can't develop their craft, and that's neat. Yeah, you're right. I mean, you go back and certain things definitely don't age as well, for sure. Um yeah, I like that perspective. I like that a lot. Do you um do you often have like things that others are uncomfortable with as far as your humor, your likes, your things like that that people are uncomfortable with?
SPEAKER_04:Uh, I mean, a lot of it was just my attitude in general. People didn't like they were used to only Seeing schizophrenia be referred to as like a sad thing. And yeah. And so no, over the years I've gotten lots of feedback about that I don't take it serious. Um, and that's hurting the I guess I don't want to say the movement, but the the idea of like helping schizophrenia is like because I'm not serious enough that I'm but that goes back to I'm like, well, I'm not doing this for the outside people, I'm doing this for other people like me. You know, I'm doing this for other people with schizophrenia. You know, I'm fine if the outside people are like, oh, okay, she's not serious, but I'm doing this to find other people like me, to know that, hey, it's not all horrible. Right? There are good things to it. There are, you know, there is like good things you can find and you can still have a kick-ass life.
SPEAKER_01:See, that's your positivity's electric. Um thank you. Is it is that is that something you struggle to cultivate? Or has that become something that's ingrained to you enough to just naturally it's yeah, it's ingrained at this point.
unknown:Wow.
SPEAKER_04:And that's just becoming um, that's just living with schizophrenia and other things. Uh, this has nothing to do with schizophrenia, but a few years back I got a rare flesh-eating bacteria. Um and I was in the hospital for a week, and then I ended up being on three months on a um, they had to put the little thing in my heart, and so they had to like inject the IVs like right into my heart. I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, for like three months. And um it was just funny because uh what had happened was it it it it got in my face. So my face turned half of my face turned hard. And I'd already like, at what point your face turns hard? I'm like, this, I'm not gonna come out of this unscathed. You know, I'm gonna end up looking like two-faced. I'm aware, I'm gonna be a Batman villain from here on out. Um, so I'd cried about it, and then I was like, all right. And then when I am up at the hospital, they're um, they're trying to be like calm me down and be like, listen, we're gonna have to like amputate part of your face. And I'm like, all right, let's do it. Chop chop. And they're like, no, no, you don't understand. I'm like, no, I do. I want you to stop it before it eats my eyeball. Um and they but they were like weirded out by how I wasn't excited about it, but I'm like, I would, I had already accepted, okay, let's deal with it. Like, so I'm really good at accepting things. You know, you can be upset over something and and I have to kind of process it, but once I've accepted it, okay, let's deal with it. And the upside to that story, ironically, is that it because I went into the hospital on a Friday afternoon. So, like a lot of the doctors had gone home. And the doctor who was there, because it was on my face, said they had to have a plastic surgeon do it because of to go around the eye. And my insurance was gone for the weekend. So they're like, Yeah, so basically we're not going to be able to do any surgery till Monday. So you're just gonna hang out here all weekend being eaten. And during the weekend, they pumped me full of all these antibiotics, and the chunks started to fall off on their own.
SPEAKER_00:Wow.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. So come Monday, they were like, let's not touch you. Let's just say, let's keep this up. Let's keep pumping you full of antibiotics, see what happens. And so it fell out and my my face, you know, grew back. And the people you you can't tell unless you look really close, they have some weird, like kind of odd scarring. But yeah, no, I'm I am supposed to be a Batman villain. Like, can you imagine like a schizophrenic Too Faced?
SPEAKER_02:I thought he would be a big thing.
SPEAKER_04:With a flesh-eating bacteria? Like you'd be like, this character's too much. They gave her too much. There's too much going on in her backstory. This is all over the place. But I'd like, yeah, I'd already accepted. I'm like, it's I'm gonna be this incredible villain. This is gonna be amazing. I'm gonna be like Bacteria Girl or something, something horrible name.
SPEAKER_01:There you go. You should write that back.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:No, see, that's that's contagious and it's electric from you. Um yeah. Well, it's what's interesting, I I used to have that like for a long time, and then so much kind of imploded at once to cause me to lose that. And I've I've been on the journey to get that back. I very much have exactly what you had, which you have right there. And so much kind of knocked me down right at one, right around when my son was born.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um that I I lost it all. I lost a lot of that part of myself and didn't try to.
SPEAKER_04:So it takes practice too. It's not a on-off switch. It's not a just okay.
SPEAKER_01:It's not.
SPEAKER_04:Like, no, it's just a that's the thing.
SPEAKER_01:And and you know, um, I had that. I mean, I think everybody everybody would tell you, I had that for years. Um, you know, nothing was gonna get me truly down like that. And now it's just everything that that that is personal is absolutely tanks me. You know, so it's uh it's the process of building that back, but it you do exude that very much. It reminds me of kind of how I used to be um on that. So I'm hoping I plan on getting some of that back. Um so honestly, to to stick on kind of the fun topic here, um going back to kind of movies and stuff, um from your perspective, what what scene of a movie or a TV show represents best what it's like to live inside your head? And we can say like explicitly shows it or just like kind of fun, or both. What do you feel most validated by? And it can be in a fun way or a very realistic way. I assume you're you're pretty like are you a movie aficionado? I'm assuming.
SPEAKER_04:I like yeah, I have certain genres that I I keep up with. Um like I said, it's not romantic comedy. Uh so like certain genres, yeah. Um so this isn't a movie, but uh when AI was earlier in this year, you know, when the AI images would come out and like things were messed up, like their hands would be all contorted and certain facial features didn't make sense. Like like now it's like so good. It's like scary how good it's gotten over a few months. But so beginning of this year, really, when they were like still distorted in their faces, that was interesting to me because I'm like, that's how that's what happens when I look at people. They get distorted sometimes. And I almost like, whatever. I'm like, whatever is wrong with the AI processing is very similar to whatever's wrong in my brain. The hands murfling together, the the eyes kind of being in the wrong spot and and just kind of being off and weird. And I just remember think I just thought that was so interesting during those few uh months that whenever those pictures would pop up, I'd be like, that's so like it was almost like it was pulled from my brain sometimes. Just the distortion of it, not the people.
SPEAKER_03:That's mean.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. So I was that's the closest, and I would say the the core align movie, the the kids' anime, not animation, I'm sorry, the claymation movie. Now I will say my favorite, now this is my favorite that shows schizophrenia, and it's the exorcism of Emily Rose. And if you've ever watched that, it's kind of a horror movie, but also a court drama, which is kind of why it didn't do good in theaters because they market it as just horror. They market it as just horror, and then if you get into the theater, you're like, why are they in a courtroom most of the time? It's based on a true story. Um, where basically did was this girl demon-possessed or did she have schizophrenia? So you see the scenes played by one version of her being demon-possessed, but then looking at it as a symptom of schizophrenia, which I love that. That's cool. There are some intense scenes they show in there of her that I've lived through that I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, that's happened to me. You know, now it's not again, it's a horror movie, so they have to take some fun licensing so the devil shows up and all that. But but I mean, you gotta sell the movie.
SPEAKER_00:Schizophrenia is, right?
SPEAKER_04:You gotta, you gotta skip, you have to sell the movie. So it's not exact. Um, but I that's always been the one that to me showed schizophrenia the best when they showed this girl in college basically deteriorating very quickly, and everything she goes through was like, that's me. That that was, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Wow. I've never seen that movie, and honestly, I discounted it for the exact same reasons you said. Oh my gosh, that's funny. Um okay, I'll have to check that out specifically for that then. I know I tell you what, I never would have considered it, so thank you. Um No, there a lot of the mainstream movies on it aren't great. Um I mean, Beautiful Mind is actually a really good movie, and there's a lot of really um depictions of of how mental illness was handled at that time, but I mean that's not accurate to John Nash. I don't know about it. Have you seen a Beautiful Mind? I am aware, yes. That was a tough question. That was a really ignorant question. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_04:Oh no, no, no. I'm I'm a I'm aware and I'm yeah, aware of him, and I don't think he's the best poster child.
SPEAKER_01:No, no, he's not. Oh absolutely not. Uh because I read his aut I read his biography many years ago. Um, and yeah. But his his symptoms were vastly misrepresented in that movie. Um but um I there's a couple of movies that really resonate with being Philly Hitley. Um well actually TV. Did you see um Is it I Wish You Were Here? I think is what it's called. It's uh uh shoot. It's the one with Mark Ruffalo where he has a specific twin brother.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, no, I definitely haven't seen that.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, that is one of the most powerful um depictions of it.
SPEAKER_04:It just occurred to me another one. It is also a horror movie, is They Look Like People. And you can kind of see by the title of it, like playing it plays off like hallucinations, they look like people. That's a really good one about uh schizophrenia. Uh that sounds like an 80s flick, but I don't know. No, no, no, no. It's been out a few years, but they look like people. It was I I thought that one was interesting, the hallucinations and him, the paranoia. It shows a lot of the paranoia and getting lost in your head.
SPEAKER_00:Wow, okay.
SPEAKER_04:And I thought they did good with that one, yeah. That just ran randomly came when you said that.
SPEAKER_01:No, I'll have to check that out. Wow, okay. Good. I always love movies to check out, period. Um really neat. Okay. Um okay, random. What's your favorite movie? Do you have a favorite? So hard now.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, it's so hard nowadays when like we can just watch everything in the world. Yeah, yeah. And like there's like so many things I've found. So it's like I almost like I'm like, I want to watch something new. Um, I mean, my go-to, I would say, is uh Planet Terror. Have you ever seen that?
SPEAKER_01:Classic. Yes, Planet Terror. And then I would say, um It was better a naked gun, that's all I'm saying. Planet's other one, right? I'm not sure. Planet Terror. I'm almost sure that's the one with Leslie Nielsen.
SPEAKER_04:It was I'm not sure who that is, so my answer is I don't know. It had Rose McGallan was in it. Yeah, it's it was uh by uh naked Robert Rodriguez.
SPEAKER_01:Oh my gosh, I'm an idiot. No, idiot. That was from the 50s. Planet Terror, the Grindhouse.
SPEAKER_04:Uh yes, Grindhouse, yeah, yeah, with Grindhouse.
SPEAKER_01:I was way off base. Way off base. Yeah, that's a good movie.
SPEAKER_04:No, I love the humor in that. I just that's my humor. It's very dark and weird.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04:It's just over the top. And yeah, I say that and Napoleon Dynamite. Both of those I think are great.
SPEAKER_01:Love Napoleon Dynamite. What happened to Napoleon Dynamite? Like I loved that movie. I've not heard anything about it in 15 years. I don't know what happened to it. I remember it was so big when I was in school.
SPEAKER_04:Um see, I was out of the country when it came out, ironically. So when I got home, my brother had it on DVD and we watched it, and I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. But I had missed the whole like blow up of it and everything. So I literally was in Europe at the time for six months. And so I came home and I'm like, what is happening? Yeah, I didn't know anything. I didn't. I didn't know any of it until I got home.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, that's funny. Wow.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, I I I always uh The Godfather's my favorite. Oh yeah, that's not really that special to a lot of people.
SPEAKER_04:Oh well they're they're great, so that's why. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Not really unique there. Um Well, okay. Um trying to think of I don't want to keep you too much longer. This went a while. I I I really appreciate having you on. This was really good. Um I had kind of an ending thing here.
SPEAKER_00:Here we go.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Um that's kind of a fun one I thought of. If you could cast your mental illness as a character. So we're talking a personification of it. Um who would it be? Like what character from a movie or TV show?
SPEAKER_04:Um Roger from American Dad. The alien.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that's fun. That's fun.
SPEAKER_04:Just all over the place, uh, just can do anything. I love how Roger's always just doing the most random things, and that's like I feel like my mind is constantly just so random and bouncing from subject to subject and all over the place. And yeah, I would say Roger.
SPEAKER_01:I love that answer. Mine was gonna be a lot less fun. Oh, who are you guessing?
SPEAKER_04:Oh, the ja I should have guessed that one.
SPEAKER_01:Damn. That was that was way more fun. Okay, I like that. Um, okay. And then uh, if there was a reality show about people with schizophrenia, what would you call it?
SPEAKER_04:See, now that would be the canceling thing. Because people on the outside would be like, well, that's offensive, but people with schizophrenia, I think, would be fine with it.
SPEAKER_01:That's what this podcast is for.
SPEAKER_04:Probably some around like Crazy Town or something.
SPEAKER_01:I like that. I like that. Let's see. Um Okay, since I have you directed yourself, I know you've done like okay, so you've actually directed. Okay. Yes. Then if you could direct a scene that act to accurately represents your schizophrenia, what would it look like?
SPEAKER_04:Well, like I said, the the everyday hallucinations would be a pretty boring scene, so I don't want to do that one. Um, but I would say like one of my serious psychotic episodes, that would be interesting. And that would be, yeah, very I feel like it's almost difficult. Uh I'm not thrilled with um, you know, now we have the disability actors where someone, you know, who actually has a disability plays someone with a disability instead of like pretending they're in a wheelchair. Um but we still don't have that when it comes to mental illness. And I very much dislike a lot of the uh portrayals of schizophrenia because it's that's an actor pretending to be crazy. And I I don't like that still. Um like it really it just bugs me because no, there are tons of actors who have mental illnesses. So I'm like, no, you just went out of you didn't even ask. Like you didn't even look, it didn't occur to you, or like depression or bipolar. They're you know, and I'm not saying they're bad actors, I just annoy some people.
SPEAKER_01:No, it's it it's interesting that I even was thinking about that the other day. I mean, I don't know many actors. I I know I mean Carrie Fisher was a big one, you know, that had bipolar. She was a huge advocate. I was very devastated when she passed for that reason. I mean any reason, but yeah, really liked her. Um, and then of course Robin Williams, you know, had his struggles and yeah. I don't really can you I mean, unless it's like an insider thing, but like are there any actors who are schizophrenic?
SPEAKER_04:So I can't think of her name. I'm sorry. Uh, but I know there's one who's on um, I think the Star Wars uh Disney shows. I just know I remember I had looked at I yeah, I was looking up. Like the TV shows? Yeah. I was trying to find, yeah, if any of them were out, and I remember coming across her. I don't and I'm sorry if you're like Rachel, how come you don't know? I don't have Disney either. So that's one reason I can't. I just read of it. I don't watch that. Oh wow. Um, but yeah, I'm like, I don't even have access to so I just know she was on the Star Wars shows. Um Okay. And and there are more. There's there's so many people with schizophrenia and bipolar, it's just I know that with entertainment, they're not even like trying to ask. They're they're not, and and there's so many actors who want to play crazy. They think that's like the role of a lifetime to get to be a crazy person. And that's like Oscar worthy to be insane. And that that annoys me, that whole vibe. Because I'm like, okay.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, honestly, I mean, I I uh one of my big regrets about because I dropped out of school when I was 13. One of my biggest regrets is that I never got to do drama. You know, was back on stage and stuff. And actually, I'd really thought about trying to get it a local thing because I love doing that. I loved reenacting scenes and and all that stuff. And and honestly, I I I think about, you know, I look like Gary Oldman and The Professional and Fledger, his Joker, and and the psychotic roles. I mean, immediately those are the those are the acting I eat up as far as watching and want to portray. It just looks fun. But I do actually totally get what you're saying, truly, about that. Um, because it is it's leaning into the psychotic side of it rather than the actually the depth of it. It there's no depth to those performances. They're fun. Oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:No, I I mean I like I like movies too.
SPEAKER_01:If you're really depicting it, you gotta show the not fun side of it in in a in a authentic way.
SPEAKER_04:Um very rarely they even have a person on set. Like you should at least have like someone on set like to ask about it. And so often they don't even have that, which annoys me.
SPEAKER_01:Like a consultant for somebody.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, because I'm like that there's lots of that's that's a Google search. You can find tons of advocates and people talking about schizophrenia like you just didn't. Um, or even especially when they show like mental hospitals and they clearly are just going off like tropes and things. Like, maybe ask someone, like, hey, what what could we do that would make it more realistic, more, you know.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that is interesting, isn't it? That does seem to be a thing for sure. Have you ever been approached to depic somebody who I mean, obviously in that in your not depict work.
SPEAKER_04:No, not yo, yeah, that was because I'm yeah. I made it, that was easy. Oh fair. And that that's kind of the yeah, and that's kind of the thing about her, is that okay, we're back.
SPEAKER_01:Sorry about that. You were talking about your character on the on your show.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah. It's uh just a side character, and she doesn't play to any stereotypes. And that was just kind of that was my point. Because usually when you meet people with schizophrenia, you have no idea. Like it's one out of 100. That that's actually quite a bit if you think like how often you've been around 100 people. Like I went to the Shakira concert the other week. It was massive, it was like 50,000 people. Okay, so that's like so many little schizophrenics were had to have been running around at that concert just by the match.
SPEAKER_00:Wow.
SPEAKER_04:There should have been a quiet, we could have had like our own little concert there. If we could have just like all held our hands up and gotten together, right? Um but yeah, no, it's it is, it's much, I want to say it's much more common than like the outside world realizes. And these people that aren't, you know, outspoken about their schizophrenia for you know different reasons, they're doctors, they're lawyers, they're people, all different things that you You would not assume mothers, fathers, and sisters, brothers, you know, just all these different people, people in the government and society, that you would never have any idea. And no, their lives wouldn't be that interesting as a horror movie. But there's there are people that are out there actively managing their schizophrenia. And I that that's like the coolest thing to me. Like I've even known doctors. Uh I knew a young woman who she had very serious schizophrenia. And she went back to school specifically to become a psychiatrist just to learn more about her schizophrenia. Because she felt no one seemed to understand when she went to the doctors. None of them seemed to get it. And like that, she now she's like a research. Um I I don't know, I'm not the smart with the words. I'm not smart with the words. Me neither. Like a research type doctor. Like that's what she does now. And I just think that's like the coolest thing in the world to me. You know, and that's it. I would bet unless she tells, no one would have any clue that that's why she chose that.
SPEAKER_01:And and one thing I I I've actually that's caused me to calm down a little bit about being so direct about the quote unquote advocacy side of things is exactly the comfort there is to being able to blend in.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, there are, I mean, I actually I worked in a mental health hospital for about four months. Um, and it was not a good experience because it was not a well-run hospital. So it was an inpatient facility that people who you know were found doing crimes or things like that were brought in. Um, and people were not treated well. That place is luckily hopefully going to be gone soon for that reason. Um but those people who were in that hospital were not treated well there, but also they could not live with outside of it. You know, that their symptoms were so crippling, there's no life outside of that, and that's so hard to see. And there's a point where, you know, you and I and and and so many others, like you said, one out of a hundred at that concert, you know, there's what you got 40,000 people there. So is that 400? Is that the math? I can't do math. There's the 4,000. It's a lot of people. What I'm saying is that those are all people who are functioning well enough to go out to a concert. And, you know, this actually occurred to me when I was walking around Walmart one day listening to music. I'm like, I'm walking around and not a freaking person knows I'm schizophrenic, and that's a beautiful thing. And honestly, it it calmed my butt down about certain things about, you know, there's a thing to making people aware, and there's that whole thing if you're forcing it down people's throats, you're gonna have the exact opposite. Just like, you know, the homosexual community does that a lot. I don't have an issue with any of that, it's not about that. It's just you see that being such a thing, and I see actually some mental health going that route too. And it's like when you're shoving in people's faces so much, you're actually gonna get people mad about your cause rather than you know being more accepting of it, if that makes sense. That's an observation. Um, but there is something, there's a beauty to subtlety too, and that's one thing. I'm not a subtle person, or it goes to the humor or or anything I've written or or my drumming or anything. I I'm not a subtle, subtle person. Very intense, it's most of the time in a good way, it's more of a passionate way, but very intense person when it comes to expression, and probably even comes out during this a little bit as we're talking. But um there is a beauty in that, and the fact that, you know, to me, there's a there's an upside and a downside to that too, because as I kind of mentioned before, you know, you and I definitely can function really well. But I maybe it's even I I look at it even for myself as it it tanks me. I feel like terrible when I can't meet that level of functionality. It's like I'm like, I feel like shit because of that within myself. It's like, damn, I'm not hitting that level that I'm normally able to hit. Um, but like you said, or I guess technically I said this, you know, you got people in these hospitals who are plagued with it constantly that do not get any reprieve from it to be able to function. So again, it's kind of one of those things, too. Um, but I love that your character on that show is just existing like anybody else, and just like that concert. That's a great, I've heard that kind of analogy before, is like you go to a massive event, you know, 1% there is schizophrenic. And it's like, are these people do you think these people are diagnosed and just aren't projecting it out there? Do you think they are and just are content with their own little worlds? I mean, what's your opinion on that? I don't probably don't have any research or anything, but what do you feel when you think of that?
SPEAKER_04:Well, I think for the um, because that that comes from like the World Health Organization, so it's different. I know there's countries have different percentages, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_04:But yeah, I think World Health says one one out of 101%. Um and I think you get that. They're I think they're getting, yeah, I think they have to be diagnosed, right? Yeah, I think that had to be to yeah, that's even more interesting, isn't it? Yeah, and then but yeah, like you said, there's so many without, um, you know, and unfortunately in in areas where that has a huge um or a big homeless population, I think you could see a lot more, a lot more people. Um that it is obvious that there's clearly something mentally wrong. And it's very sad because it's like they definitely need help. Um yeah, yeah. And there's not much. And I always tell that, you know, honestly, one reason I'm doing so well is luck. It's lucky that I was born into this family. It's lucky that my parents can like help take care of me. Like if they were more financially strapped, they couldn't. If they lived in a smaller house, that might not be possible. Um, and it really is just luck. Why some of us do look like we're doing better than others. Um because I could very easily be homeless. I could very easily be that person in the street uh if I can't get access to my medication.
SPEAKER_01:Like we're not here at all.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:See, that's that's a powerful message right there is uh the situation we're even born into. Um you were raised religious. Do you still consider yourself a religious person?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah. I say different. Um, but here's my go-to. I always believe in what Jesus said the two greatest commandments were love God, love people. And I think that regardless of what you believe in, you can interpret that anyway, like love something bigger than yourself and love other people. And that that's that's what I I always go with.
SPEAKER_01:Beautiful. That's beautiful, and honestly, I'm on that train myself. I I don't want to get into religious stuff because it's not really what I want to do, but that's beautiful right there because it's exactly where I'm at. So awesome. Uh geez, Rachel, I I think I've bombarded you enough. Um is there anything you want to ask me or anything? Because you're open to uh kind of very conversational, but um I don't know if you have anything yourself, but regardless, it was wonderful to have you. Um it's so fantastic to have another person who has got a diagnosis and just is so comfortable talking about it.
SPEAKER_04:Um takes time to get there.
SPEAKER_01:And and one thing I always say too is that if if it doesn't matter if let's say nobody ever wants to share any of this, it's about their diagnosis or you know what, you know, the stigma behind having medication and therapy is, you know, is that it's a negative thing. It's like you don't have to share it. Really, it's about getting what you need above anything. Um, so you know, I I know people in my life who don't get medication or therapy because of the stigma of that. It's like, don't tell anybody. This isn't unlike that, you know. As long as you're healthy and getting what you need and being there for yourself and others, that is what matters. So, but I do admire people like you who are willing to to put it out there and hopefully help others, and even sometimes at the expense of yourself and ourselves. So there it's it's really neat that you do that as well. And you've definitely inspired me to to do this. And yeah, well, you inspire me too.
SPEAKER_04:I mean, like I said, I I'm jealous, you got a wife and kids, and and you you know, it's like we we all see different things, you know, in each other, success or whatever. Yeah, you're like, hey, he look at him. He's able to have this relationship for eight years. Like, that's amazing. So we see different things in each other though that can inspire each other.
SPEAKER_01:Do you do you I know I was about ready to end it, but do you mind if I ask what has been a big hang up as far as like you said you haven't had a serious relationship in 15 years, right? Is that something you're okay with? Like are you are you okay with that right now?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I'm gonna say that's it. Yeah, yeah, I'm okay with it. It's more so I've accepted it. So once you accept that I'm good at accepting things. And I'm just gonna go.
SPEAKER_01:That's what I was asking earlier.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, if someone comes in my life, that's I'm not saying no. I'm just saying that I I was wondering. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not, you know, I still have all the dating apps. I'm still swiping left and right.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, okay, okay. That's what I was wondering.
SPEAKER_04:Even even on the like, I very rarely match, which is fine. Um, because I've gotten to the point now where it's it was too stressful for me to have to bring up my schizophrenia. And I j I put it on my profile now. So I don't really expect to match with people because yeah, I just say, by the way, I rather put this up front than let's say go on three dates, and then I mention it and it's an issue. And it's not even that it's yeah, and it's not even that like just because that person I don't know their background, they might, you know, have a reason that they don't feel comfortable being with someone with a serious mental disorder, you know, and that's fine. But it's easier for me to just yeah, put it up there and I'd rather just say it up front.
SPEAKER_01:You might find this entertaining is uh I didn't put it on my dating profiles, but my wife, I told her about it on my second date, on our second date. And um I went into some details then, actually. You know, I I didn't get too down and dirty with it, but like I got detailed. And you know, over the course of the relationship, um, you know, like we said, we've gonna begin to gather been together over eight years, and over the course of that relationship, um, you know, different things have come up and questions have been asked, and of course, my mental illness truly didn't cripple me to this point until our son was born. So, you know, I told her all the stories and all the history and all the nightmares that I'd gone through, and of course, how I'd prevailed and how I got through and where I got to. But then, of course, you know, everything imploded right when our son was born. So it wasn't really until seven years into our relationship that she actually got the full experience of it. Um, but kind of like you, you know, you're putting it right in your profile. Um, anytime I dated, it was first or second date. Um because that is not. I heard this story years ago. Um, there's a friend of mine, his friend was by proxy, um, who had a who had this girl who had a no, I'm sorry, it was the other way. Um, they were gonna get married. And like a month before the wedding, the husband told the wife that he was schizophrenic and called it off. She called it off right there. Yeah, and they've been together like two years. And just that alone wasn't enough to, it's like, what the hell? You know, so it's like, why put yourself through a ma like us? Yeah. Why put yourself through, oh my god, we've had two amazing years together? It's like, by the way, and then you know, just there's no good in that either. So it yeah, it deters a ton of people.
SPEAKER_04:And it's unfortunate, yeah. And I always say it's like a bad thing, like, oh, these must be bad people. It's like, no, you never know other people's reasons, you know. Right, you never know what they've been through. And I had a friend, um, she has very serious cancer, and she hated telling people, like telling guys, she's gorgeous. And so she had a lot of guys who liked her, but she hated telling them um because so many of them would immediately break up with her because it was thinking like, what well, they're looking for marriage, they don't want to get with a girl who has cancer. And I just remember that was just so, you know, and it is that's just something she had to live with. And a lot of them were like, Well, I want to have kids one day, you might not be around. And that was just the reality of her life was you know, this young 25-year-old, gorgeous, but she had very serious aggressive cancer.
SPEAKER_00:Right, right.
SPEAKER_04:You know, that was her biggest thing. She hated dating and having to bring it up because all the guys, oh, you know, they'd be like, you think, well, I don't want to, I don't want to keep going out with you, and then what do I have to take care of you?
SPEAKER_01:Right. Yeah, yeah. Not exactly an unfair parallel. And and um it's really sad because schizophrenic or not, cancer or not, they're good freaking people.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, you know, that this doesn't define us, that didn't define her. It is it's an it's a limitation that actually puts limitation on both parties.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:On both sides for sure. But I think strong enough relationships and connections and love can certainly prevail, as certainly mine has. Um, but there are a ton of complications that come with that for both of us that wouldn't be in a neurotypical relationship. Yeah, and actually, her her and I are gonna do an episode specifically on that together, like the challenges of our relationship being married because of this, and and outside things too. But it's a shame because I think there's a lot of beautiful relationships that could happen that just this alone, or like your friend, the cancer, or that automatically is like all the beauty and and then and the wonderful things that could happen are thrown out the door because of that. Um but it is a commitment, but any relationship's a commitment, but anyway. Um awesome. Well, okay. I if I keep going, I'm one of those people that will always find something more to go. So um again, thank you so much, Rachel, for doing this.
SPEAKER_04:Um, thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, it's a true, true joy to have you. So um where where can people find you?
SPEAKER_04:Uh so Rachel Star Live is my website and kind of has all my stuff on there. R-A-C-H-E-L-S-T-A-R-L-I-V-E. I say that because if you spell my name Rachel Starr with two R's, that is a completely different woman. Uh, she makes a lot more money than I. Um, I sometimes know who that woman is. Yeah, yeah. I I used to get her fan mail and I would feel really bad because I would I would forward it to her. So we'd actually we've talked on like Twitter and stuff. Yeah, well, a lot of times I would be tagged as her. It'd be like, you know, out now, Bigwood S is 17 with Rachel Star Live. And I'm like, that's not me. And I have to like put that and like it gets all these likes and everything, and I'd then I have to be like, that's not me. And they're like, you know, they click on my profile and like, what the hell? Which was funny because we're both we're both white women around the same age. So if you just like look, you know, the little tiny Twitter profile picture, it you very well think, oh wow, they they're like, they found her personal file. And I was like, no, you didn't.
SPEAKER_00:That is really, really funny.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I didn't even put that together. And then of course I was laughing about that for a minute. Wow, go ahead. I'm sorry. Oh, you're fine.
SPEAKER_04:No, the podcast inside schizophrenia. Uh, I've been hosting for a few years, and uh get to do all kinds of interesting topics on there, some like mundane ones, uh just hallucinations dealing. I forgot to do some cool ones like serial killers. Um serial killers, mass murders. So yeah, yeah, I I try and at least one once a year be able to get like a really like spicy one passed through. So yeah, I like being able to do like the the stuff you don't normally hear. Like how many serial killers actually did have schizophrenia and is that a real thing? And same thing with mass murderers. So the kind of stuff that's talked about on the news, but no, actually, let's talk about like really is it is this an issue or not?
SPEAKER_01:I think I heard one of those, or they're separate episodes, right?
SPEAKER_04:Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, okay. I've heard one of those then because I was kind of blindsided by the actual statistics and the way it's you know put out there. Anyway, yeah, you've got wonderful podcasts and and other content. Um, you have a TikTok, but I don't see you post to it a whole lot, right?
SPEAKER_04:Pretty much that, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You're really mostly on Instagram. Okay, okay. Yeah. Well, great. Um, thank you for joining.
SPEAKER_04:I can't I can't learn all these new things.
SPEAKER_01:It's exhausting.
SPEAKER_04:Can't keep up with all of them. I like, you know, if something goes viral on TikTok, it eventually will come to Instagram two or three weeks later. So then I'll catch you.
SPEAKER_01:That's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah. That's the easiest. It's exhausting for sure. Well, thank you again. I I can't say how much you being on here meant to me, and it certainly will to the viewers to actually have two people with diagnoses talking about it. Um, so I will let you go. You have a wonderful night. Thank you again. And maybe we can collaborate on something random in the future. I don't know.
SPEAKER_04:No, I hope I I hope so too.
SPEAKER_01:All right. Well, thank you, everybody. This is Bottom Huey, aka Beat the Mental Help Out of It with your host, the defective schedule effective. And this is signing off. Don't look to the bottle, the knife or the gun. Look to the soul you'll become. That's my tagline. Anyway, all right. Well, thank you, Rachel. We'll we'll hopefully see you soon.
SPEAKER_04:All right, thank you.
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