Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! | Dark Humor Conversations On Mental Health, Trauma & Society

Sexual Assault, Child Abuse & Dissociation | Kristi Morris, Pt. 1

• Nicholas Wichman - Mental Health Advocate • Season 1 • Episode 21

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In this episode, we delve into how sexual assault, childhood abuse, and early dissociation shape trust, identity, and coping mechanisms in trauma recovery—a survivor’s poignant story shared by Kristi Morris.

Join us for a candid discussion on the importance of language and validation in healing, and learn how finding safety is essential in navigating the aftermath of trauma. This is Part 1 of a 2-Part series.

In this episode, Kristi shares her journey through an unsafe home environment and the mistrust toward men that developed. She discusses how she used dissociation as a survival strategy and how immersing into a fantasy world provided an escape. 

We cover:

  • Unhealthy home dynamics and caretaking burdens experienced before age 15
  • Dissociation as a survival mechanism and steps toward grounding
  • Using a fantasy world as a protective escape
  • The critical role of language and validation in the trauma recovery process
  • Resilience: how to face the past without erasing it

If this helped, share it with someone who needs to feel less alone, join our Discord "The Struggle Bus" (link below)—and FOLLOW us, so you don’t miss next week's episode with Kristi!

If you’re struggling, please reach out to the following resources (U.S.): Call/Text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7) or contact RAINN at 800-656-HOPE

Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! (AKA “BTMHOOI!”) is a candid mental health podcast rooted in lived experience: schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia spectrum psychosis, BPD, PTSD, trauma recovery, coping skills, and dark humor that helps make serious mental illness more understandable and human.

Hosted by Nicholas Wichman (“The DEFECTIVE Schizoaffective”) with frequent co-host Tony Medeiros (“IndyPocket”), we cover psych wards, psychiatric medication, disability, religious trauma, good therapy, bad therapy, and practical real-world coping — plus the societal and relationship issues that shape mental health every day. The goal isn’t just “fighting stigma.” It’s education, clarity, and honest conversation.

We interview everyone from everyday people to public figures, clinicians, and professionals, because mental health struggles don’t care who you are. If you’re willing to share your story or expertise, we aim to offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can speak openly — and still have some fun while doing it.

New episodes drop every other Monday at 6am EDT.

Want community and support? Join our Discord, “The Struggle Bus”: https://discord.gg/emFXKuWKNA

All links (TikTok, YouTube, Streaming, etc.): https://linktr.ee/BTMHOOI

Podcast cover art by Ryan Manning

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SPEAKER_03:

Before the episode, we were just having Christy recite the Pledge of Allegiance. That went well. Anyway, we won't actually have you do that.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay, good.

SPEAKER_03:

Hey, we have a lady in our presence.

SPEAKER_02:

A real live woman.

SPEAKER_03:

A real live woman. A biological female. As far as I know. Yeah, as far as I know, biological female.

SPEAKER_01:

So for sure. I have four kids, so yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, that that's pretty good.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't think I can uh have him being a male, so okay.

SPEAKER_03:

That's true. Okay. So obviously, you know, to segue a smidge into this, you know, we did that episode about being men, and now that we have Christy with us who has a lot to share about being a single mother and and certain men, like certainly many other you know, uniquely female struggles. Can we say that? Is that fair to say?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

So um honestly, we we're gonna try to give her the floor as much as she's comfortable having.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't worry, I'll take it.

SPEAKER_03:

Still a men's episode. Boys' rule.

SPEAKER_02:

No, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_01:

Anyway, we just gonna be seen as equal, you know.

SPEAKER_02:

We are equal. We are equal.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02:

We we went very male-oriented. And I mean, some of the stuff that we talked about went as far back as how we were even raised. And I know maybe there are some some things we don't touch in some of that, but what was it like growing up? And I know you had your own unique struggles with a lot of travel because you had a dad that was military. So t can you tell us a little bit about what it was like growing up as a girl? I know you had a brother, right? And there were like what were the differences in how the kind of attention he got or the ways things were handled?

SPEAKER_01:

So my dad was always gone. Uh he was never around. Um my mom was, but my brother was handicapped, so um she had to attend to a lot of things with him. Um, meaning that um I was very mature for my age, so I didn't really see any problem with it. Um, I kind of just went through life. Like, that's good. Like, he needed it, I didn't, we're good until I got an adult, and then I realized that that comes to be uh haunting. So you feel like you crave um attention, you crave to be acknowledged, you crave um I guess the wrong kind of love, uh, wrong kind of attention. I grew up at 15, so my mom went blind. Um I don't know, I ha I had a lot of struggles growing up and I'm still um I'm still uh processing them, I guess. I don't they're not all there yet. Uh so I don't I haven't processed all of my I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02:

S right, some of things have been repressed.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um I don't have a relationship with my dad that great, I guess, at all. Um my mom and I'm okay. I don't have family around wearing lips, so it's just been me and the kids.

SPEAKER_02:

So would you say that family has stuck more with your brother versus you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, he had uh what you call sturdy weber, which you don't hear often.

SPEAKER_03:

Talk about that a little bit.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know a lot about it. Um I just know that he had seizures and strokes, he had to learn how to walk all over again. Um he had lots of the world looked at him different. True. So um I was very protective of him.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, I do remember that. Um they caught he has a birthmark on his face, so they called him Purple Man a lot uh from the birthmark.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh how did he handle that?

SPEAKER_01:

If a kid came up and asked him a question about it, like, oh man, were you in a fire? You know, kids don't censor anything, and he's like and he would get real angry.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you say that you tried to even things out?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah. Um he always thought that I got a lot of attention from um my dad, um, which I guess my mom says I did. I don't really think of it because I always tried to not pay attention to that. He didn't feel like he was less than, I guess. He was very jealous of um me being normal, is what I remember. Um and I always tried, like I always protected him.

SPEAKER_02:

And with with that upbringing, then feeling like you didn't have your family necessarily.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I didn't feel like anything until I got to be an adult and realized that's what was going on.

SPEAKER_03:

So when you say you didn't feel like anything, you're saying value or worth or even existence itself. Did you feel like you were just kind of a blip on the radar?

SPEAKER_01:

Kind of, like I just felt like um when things went wrong, I didn't I just blink. Like and it just pushed through. Like I don't remember really processing anything or handling anything like, oh poor me, or any of that. I mean, may I may have, I don't know. I just don't remember it. I got a job at 15, was going to school at 15, didn't care the house at 15, trying to help my mom because she went blind. Uh I remember when she would do laundry, um, she didn't see like darks in the washer and like she put whites in and bleached all the darks. And the last time I saw her like kind of do laundry, she cried because she couldn't do it anymore. So I would take it all before she'd see it and throw it in the trash before she knew. So I was premature for my age. Um we ran out of hospitals a lot. My brother uh was in the hospital a lot. So I would do my homework in the waiting room. I don't really remember a lot. I vaguely remember.

SPEAKER_03:

So clearly you've you've obviously repa repressed a ton of things.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yes. Uh I know there's a lot going on there. Um, I honestly thought that the trauma that I went through uh was the only trauma I had um until a therapist had the feeper and opened some doors that I didn't know existed.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, and questions were asked by uh partners um that kind of brought attention to uh like my father, like why people wondered why me and him didn't have a uh relationship, because most most girls are daddy's girl.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, most girls have a good relationship with their dad.

SPEAKER_01:

I maybe talked to him hardly ever. And then I was asked one time, you know, why um I why we weren't close because I had asked uh partner who was curious about that, because I mean who wouldn't be?

SPEAKER_03:

Sure, sure. Valid question.

SPEAKER_01:

They thought that it was something like, you know, really dark.

SPEAKER_03:

Sure, yeah, that understandably.

SPEAKER_01:

It brought it to my attention and I wondered why, and I really couldn't figure it out because I didn't know why I didn't have that bond. I just didn't feel it. Um, he is supposed to be a protector and he wasn't. I didn't feel like he protected me like a father should have.

SPEAKER_03:

Um So being in the military, he wasn't protective of you.

SPEAKER_01:

And he was a cop, deputy sheriff, all kinds of things.

SPEAKER_03:

Interesting. So were we saying specifically you or even your family? Was it just you he wasn't protecting?

SPEAKER_01:

When I talk about him, he's a pussy.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, if it was my kids that went through some things that he watched, I would have definitely beat somebody up. Like, don't put your hands on my daughter. And he did not, so wow, okay. As a guy role model in your life, I mean yeah, that'd be hard.

SPEAKER_03:

You're supposed to feel protecting. And you know, I even look, I'm sure as you do, just knowing even that little tidbit, like, what the fuck? Why wouldn't you put everything to prep protect your family, not let alone your daughter? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But like, but especially your daughter, right? And actually, yes. I mean, think about it. Like, you have a son.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, yes, but I was gonna say is I actually hoped I did not have a daughter.

SPEAKER_00:

Because of the world today.

SPEAKER_03:

Because of exactly what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02:

But I know you started to mention some things that happened at 15.

SPEAKER_01:

And so 15 was a very big turning point for me.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, okay. And I know one of the examples of your father not protecting you.

SPEAKER_01:

So 15, my world was turned upside down. Uh a lot of things happened when 15. My mom went blind. Yep.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh you then being the one at home, because dad was gone, right?

SPEAKER_04:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

So you assume that role of mother.

SPEAKER_00:

You essentially became a big one. I had to take care of my mom. I had to walk her down the hallway.

SPEAKER_03:

And it even sounds like before that you've kind of assumed that role pretty like well before that, right? Yeah, yeah. Because he was gone on my own. Before the blindness, you were already taking.

SPEAKER_01:

He was on submarines, so he was gone like out of country a lot, like six months at a time.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I honestly don't remember too much childhood with my father in it.

SPEAKER_02:

Hanging out. A bunch of semen.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. My gosh.

SPEAKER_02:

See what we do. See what we do on the show.

SPEAKER_01:

No matter why he's a pussy. No, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, hey.

SPEAKER_03:

That was a good one. Whoa, whoa. Okay. Bless my father. Wow.

SPEAKER_01:

But he's just like, well, you know I love you. I'm proud of you. You did good.

SPEAKER_03:

So the words, but no action behind it.

SPEAKER_01:

Definitely not acting. Not even that many. Never comes to see.

SPEAKER_03:

In text.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Oh, in text.

SPEAKER_03:

Even work.

SPEAKER_01:

And like, and he always said this thing about I love you. If I say I love you, he'd say ditto. What the hell is that?

SPEAKER_03:

Probably just never say it that.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, it bothered me so bad. Like ditto, dude. Yeah, dude.

unknown:

Alright.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't even tell my friends ditto. So I was raped when I was 15. I also was molested a few times before that. Once by not once, a few times. One of the corporates was uh family member for years when I was younger. Um, I didn't know what it was, so couldn't really express that to anybody. Still nobody knows really about it.

SPEAKER_02:

Um yeah, we'll keep it a secret.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I'm not sure. Anyway. Um uh a friend's uh uncle, also when I say night at a friend's house. So see, this is the thing about girls, is that like I mean I know what happens to boys too. A lot of more than what we think.

SPEAKER_02:

When when someone, especially a family member or a close friend or something, or a boyfriend, right? Sure, does something like that to breach and break that trust.

SPEAKER_01:

I didn't talk about it. Uh I didn't tell anybody, um, not until the rape happened. Um, and I actually didn't tell it, then my mom kind of read it on my face. So um I wasn't talked to really stick up for myself like that, uh, to speak up when something like that had happened, or that I can remember anyway. I just know that I closed up and kind of just pretend like I was asleep for the most part.

SPEAKER_02:

While it was happening.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um disassociated. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I disassociated when the rape happened too, but I do remember every bit of it. Uh from what I was like, like I saw a clock, tear rolling down my face, wish my mom would was there. Uh there's a lot going on. But I can remember every every everything. Every bit of it. The face, everything, the name, everything.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, because when you are traumatized like that, you kind of don't forget.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm sure.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't remember embarrassment. I remember ashamed. I remember wrong. I'm because I was I was raised in a uh Christian home. Um my mom didn't they didn't talk about anything sex, they didn't talk anything about about like nobody was open about anything. Like if you mentioned sex, it's like, oh my gosh, no. So now like I want my children to be open with me, and they are. They're very open with me. I love it. The fact that uh I didn't talk about it was because well, the guy I was seeing was way older than me. Why my parents allowed me to do that? I have no idea. He was 20-something and I was 15. He was a friend of the family, he worked with my uncle. Um, if anybody stuck up for me, it was my uncle.

SPEAKER_02:

And I was gonna lead you that direction because you were saying my father never stood up for me.

SPEAKER_01:

But my uncle did because he worked with him. He didn't either.

SPEAKER_03:

And this is your father's brother as far as the uncle.

SPEAKER_01:

No, actually, it's my mom's side. Um it's actually their cousin, her cousin, and and he's not blood. So her cousin was the wife, and it's her husband.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, I guess. So he's in the law. Uh I mean father's brothers, cousins, nephews, uncles, and he was a wonderful man.

SPEAKER_01:

He was a wonderful man.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh he could his sister in college. I'm just kidding. That's not the Kentucky. No, but sorry, Kentucky.

SPEAKER_01:

At that time we were living in Connorsville.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, close enough to Kentucky.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_03:

Right, Kentucky.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, yeah, you might be right. Yeah. Anyway.

SPEAKER_03:

You might be crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's a little bit.

SPEAKER_00:

You might be right.

SPEAKER_02:

So how did that make you feel when your not father stood up for you?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, first my dad I didn't remember that my dad was there and allowed me to go with him somewhere by myself, out of state.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh oh, you went out of state with those personality? I went out of state.

SPEAKER_01:

To go clean his parents' house before they got home from vacation. Uh as soon as I walked in the door, I already knew something was wrong because it was already clean.

SPEAKER_03:

So you you knew right away when you walked in.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I wanted to leave, but he's like, oh, it's okay. You know, new smooth talker. He was really good looking. Uh before that, he had good manners. So he that I knew of. So it's obviously not, because as an adult, I'm looking back and it's like, no, he didn't. He's dating a 15-year-old.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, well that's it.

SPEAKER_01:

Because if it was my daughter, I'd be like, fuck no. Absolutely not. I think he's 23.

SPEAKER_03:

23, but really good years.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's and I think I was gonna be like 16 in a month because I remember him saying, I don't remember. He's about to justify it because of that. Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, you're 16 in a month kind of bullshit.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, he well, actually on the way home, he's like, because I was jealous of it, right? I was crying already in the car. Um, I was crying before that when it was going on, and I told him to stop, and of course he says, shh, it's okay. And what how he even got it was uh uh why I felt like it was my fault in in the beginning was because uh you know, 15-year-olds, you know, you're curious, right? I never experimented sexually at all with anything. Um Wow and he had well because the No, I don't mean that.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean that's your first experience.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, yeah, he took my virginity, I forgot to say that. That was the most important part. Um I was saving for marriage because that's what the house I was brought up in. Um, so that that was definitely made me feel ashamed because obviously he took my virginity. Right. I didn't uh see it as rape at the time, I was 15. I didn't know what rape was. Um, and he told me, okay, we can't tell anybody. When you're 16, we could tell. But right now, we can't tell anybody. Just keep this a secret between me and you, okay? Like promises and all stuff, and I just shook my head. I just I don't even, you know, I wasn't yeah, I didn't know what to say. I I do remember running to the bathroom and like bleeding and didn't know what the what that was. Like it was very scary.

SPEAKER_05:

Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, because of course I wasn't talked to about the birds and the bees because I wasn't expecting that to happen. So I went home, uh, got in the shower, and my first cue to my mom, I guess, was the look on my face. I went straight to the shower and I did not come out. I just wanted it off. Or wash it off. Yeah. Pretend like it didn't happen, like it didn't exist. Uh so my dad being the one that my mom wasn't there. My dad was the one that said, yeah, go ahead. I guess uh that was in the back of my mind. I forgot about it because I put it out of my mind because it hurt so bad, I guess. I may maybe I blame him. I don't know. I haven't opened all the doors yet.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean I kind of closed it as soon as it opened.

SPEAKER_02:

So I think it's safe to say that was not protecting your 15-year-old daughter.

SPEAKER_01:

For sure. I mean I mean, just because you know him doesn't mean you really know him with your 15-year-old daughter by himself. No out of state. Come on now.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh and here's the thing is that I hear you talking about you've got so much rage about it as you should.

SPEAKER_01:

Do I?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and that's okay. But you should. You should. I agree with you.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't think I've ever took this um perspective on uh since I since I I don't think I've actually talked about it since I've opened those doors about uh uncovering the memories of some of it. Like I remember the rape. Okay, I I I remember that playing as day. But like I remember my mom being home when I got home. I don't remember her being there when I left. I don't remember my dad being there when I left, but my mom told me that he was the one that let me go. Uh that brought back some memories, like, oh wow, oh wow, why would my dad let me go?

SPEAKER_03:

So there's a ton of feelings of resentment already built onto what you had.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And it's like I didn't have hate towards my family. I made up stories for myself to keep going, I guess. My mom was an amazing mom that like always like played dress up and like, you know, uh um like dance around the house and I guess yeah. Like I I mentioned it to my mom and she's like, Yeah, I don't know who you're talking about. That's not me.

SPEAKER_03:

So she wouldn't even buy into the fantasy you were creating.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Damn, that's stupid.

SPEAKER_01:

That shut me down. That that actually I about hit rock button from that.

SPEAKER_02:

Because it took away everything you thought your childhood was.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, yeah, because I mean the one person that was there, you know wasn't actually there. Right. I mean, like she kept saying things like as an adult now, she kept saying things like I wasn't a great mom, and I'm like, What? You're a wonderful mom, and then that's how it came out. I'm like, mom, you were like the best mom ever. Like, I would wish to be a mom like you, and she's like, What? And we get in this conversation, and she's like, Yeah, I have no idea who you're talking about. That was not me.

SPEAKER_03:

Interesting.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I don't mean that in a no it doesn't bother me anymore. Instead, I took it upon myself to understand why my child had a I have a child that had a different perspective of what I had of the past.

SPEAKER_05:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_01:

And instead of like, well, I'm not gonna lie, I did say, no, that's not how it happened, blah, blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_04:

Sure.

SPEAKER_01:

And I may have traumatized her a little bit, but now that I've learned, um, and I worked really hard to get where I'm at, um, and it has paid off a lot because now I have a really good relationship with all my kids. I I have gone back and I I instead of telling my daughter, no, you made that up. I'm not even nothing close to that. I'm saying I tell her, you know, I understand. I get it. I see. I see that you have this perspective, and that's okay. It's okay. Because we all see something different. We can watch something in front of us, you know, at the same time, but you're gonna have a different story, I'm gonna have a different story, he's gonna have a different story. Doesn't mean that it's a lie, but it's our perspective.

SPEAKER_03:

No, it's perspective, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So I've learned that doesn't mean that she's wrong or I was wrong. Maybe some of it didn't happen the way she thought it did, but who's to say what's right and wrong? It's in the past, anyways, you can't really go back and fix it.

SPEAKER_02:

True. All you can do is focus on the present, on the now, and I was just learn from it and grow up. Yeah. And I was I was just thinking, based on you talking about feeling like you didn't have that attention, you didn't have that care. And to hear you say, I made sure that I made myself available to hear perspectives that maybe weren't comfortable for me.

SPEAKER_01:

Definitely weren't.

SPEAKER_02:

But it was important enough that you showed that connection, the one that you didn't have.

SPEAKER_01:

It was it was big. Yeah. Not gonna lie, it was it was big because the past that we talk about with me and my children, I went through some abuse. So with her perspective, she she seemed to put herself as the one that was abused, which I I can see that. I can see why she did that as a child. Because there are some incidents that could be, I mean, that's the most that she's ever seen. So, you know, um, in her perspective, and and she was a daddy's girl, too.

SPEAKER_02:

So now you're not talking about sexual abuse, you're talking about physical abuse. Okay, yeah, good, good deal.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you for clarifying yes, because I've been through a lot of different abuses.

SPEAKER_04:

Just you know, sure.

SPEAKER_01:

The only one I really remembered was of course the rape, but but that was uh I I was a lot of time like I didn't process rape. I never I don't think I ever went to therapy. I don't remember going to therapy.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you have even labeled it rape before you started?

SPEAKER_01:

My mom called the cops. Okay. I didn't want her to.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, so she called the cops on him? Uh yeah. How'd that go down?

SPEAKER_01:

I think the most Most traumatizing part of it was to have to relive it in front of a bunch of people you don't know in a courtroom. Oh, so you went to the courtroom office words that you think as a child are not.

SPEAKER_03:

Apparently comfortable, especially in a Christian family.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and with adults that you have no idea who they are, you didn't have a comfort mom or dad with you, or like it was just like spotlight.

SPEAKER_03:

On about the most vulnerable, uncomfortable thing a child. Wow, Christy.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't remember in a courtroom, but like a court setting. I didn't have to face him, but I did have to go on recording. Um that was traumatizing enough. I didn't want to have to see his face. Um but I do remember walking down the road after I had already turned like my mom turned him in. Um, and I do remember uh seeing him. Uh I was walking with my friends on the sidewalk, and uh I remember him spotting me and saying, I'm coming for you. I'm gonna kill you. So I did have after your life. Yeah, so I did have that fear of always looking on my shoulder.

SPEAKER_02:

So you got quote justice, right?

SPEAKER_00:

I guess.

SPEAKER_02:

Because he went and did time. They don't stand in forever, so did that make you feel any better? Did it make you feel I didn't want to know anything? Okay, wonderful question.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, because I'm 15, like I already didn't know how to process what happened.

SPEAKER_03:

So at the time you just didn't want to think of him in any level dead, alive, existence.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess I realized that I have disassociated from a lot of things.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm sure you have. That's your question. I didn't know with everything you've been through.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I didn't know at the time that's what I was doing, but well, that's usually an unconscious thing.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean is that's a very amazing thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and that's why I thought I was so strong as a kid, because I like I didn't blink, I just kept moving.

SPEAKER_03:

Just kept going on breaking. I don't know that that isn't strength. I mean, I get because with everything you went through, that is that that's all that's the only tool you're you could develop on your own to survive. That was a survival mechanism, and yeah, it fucked you up later. Which how couldn't it? But but but I'm telling you to just have gone through whatever the fuck you had to do to get through that, and you're here now. And that is objectively strength.

SPEAKER_02:

And but with it also being the mind fuck of your brain at the time, made a history that didn't happen so that you could survive and be happy and still be uplifting for a family that you were essentially leading at the time. I mean, that's pretty amazing. Even when you look at look back at it now and you go, well, none of it happened. So who am I? Who the fuck am I? But the fact that your brain could do those things, like you didn't have to learn to do that, your brain just for you. Yeah, that's amazing, really, isn't it? That is the the power that's your lot of mind to create an entire experience false reality to get yourself through.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh I mean I mean, I guess looking at it that way, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But no, you should take away. I certainly don't should take all the accolades in the world. I definitely don't want to take away that it was strength.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02:

Because it truly helped you get through. That's exactly it. We talk we've talked about unaliving on this suicide, fuck that shit.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's a part of me too. I try to commit suicide. I try to commit suicide. I'm telling you, I've been through a lot. I can relate to a lot of different um but but here's the thing though. I I'm a lot stronger now, and that and and I have learned that I'm healing. I'm not broken, I'm healing. Um I'm always gonna be healing, I'm always gonna be going through things. Um I am able to finally, as an adult, enjoy sex. So I had a breakthrough.

SPEAKER_03:

That is good.

SPEAKER_01:

I can actually enjoy um leave somebody there. No. Listen, I I I tried to find myself sexually because people would talk about it all the time, like, oh, it's better than chocolate, it's better than chocolate. I'm like, I can live without it. I can die without having sex ever again. Like, what?

SPEAKER_03:

And it wasn't until recently that that became comfortable for you, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, uh 38.

SPEAKER_03:

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02:

Maybe so goddamn.

SPEAKER_01:

I know I think it's hurt you.

SPEAKER_02:

Walked in, walked into that room late, huh? Just as you're hitting your front.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, listen, it took a long time and it took the right person. I had four kids.

SPEAKER_02:

Those cougars, look out.

SPEAKER_03:

Anyway.

SPEAKER_01:

I had four kids not enjoying sex. Come on now.

SPEAKER_03:

Who well, and there's I know there's a lot of complications around that, too.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, yeah, so none of this is you were starting to talk about the physical abuse, which is kind of where that story starts to pick up. Because okay, so at 15, this thing happens, right? And you're still kind of leading a family, you're having life life-threatened, um, still just walking down the streets of Pleasantville going la-di-da-di-da.

SPEAKER_01:

Life is perfect. Um, it kind of it's it kind of uh I don't know if I started to rebel after that, uh, but I do remember that I did choose to have sex after that before I was 18. Um I remember Before you're 18, okay. Yeah, my mom allowed me to have my boyfriend stay the night at 17.

SPEAKER_03:

And an interesting parenting happened.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, she well, oh, and my parents divorced at 15. Sorry, I forgot that part.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, that happened the same year.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. So I'm telling you, my world was 13.

SPEAKER_03:

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_01:

My dad moved out of uh he went to Indianapolis. Uh my mom stayed in Connorsville. Um, so it was me, my brother, and her. Uh, she was going through divorce and surgeries, and I remember uh there was times like we went through a lot. Like I had to walk her down the hallway, I ran her into a law, I thought I killed her because like like for real, like she I I kept telling my brother not to leave his door open. We were just talking. Me talking, what anyway? I was talking nothing.

SPEAKER_03:

She we had to elicit so much from you. I'm just like, come on, give us something.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So so I uh ran her into the core, like the the framework of a door, and it like hit like right on her eye where she had just had surgery, um, and it knocked her ass out. So I was like, Mom, you mommed her. Yes, I definitely thought she was dead. She just laid there and didn't freaking move.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, she's blind, so I don't think it mattered. That's a right.

SPEAKER_01:

I I don't think it'd make a difference of the way you're yeah. I know it's bad. I'm sorry. It's okay.

SPEAKER_02:

15 sucked.

SPEAKER_01:

I just remembered something else. Oh, like I told you about. She also got pregnant. Your mom did? Yes, by a boyfriend who was psycho. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Same year.

SPEAKER_01:

So because she's blind, um I was 17.

SPEAKER_03:

So she would have gotten pregnant, I'm assuming I had an abortion?

SPEAKER_01:

Nope, I had a miscarriage. And of course I had to look at it because she's blind. So it went in the toilet and I had to dig the baby out.

SPEAKER_02:

Shit, are you serious?

SPEAKER_01:

Swear to gosh, she asked me to do it and black eyes, veto, fetus, yep. And then I had to put it in like a box and bury it, and yeah, it was yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Go back. Did you just say you buried it?

SPEAKER_00:

What was my mom gonna do? She was blind.

SPEAKER_02:

I I I don't know. I I don't know. I guess I was okay with it.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02:

I assumed there'd be some legal aspect to that.

SPEAKER_01:

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_03:

Well it's a person. It's a person. Like, I would there's no there'd be no there'd be no record of existence of that person.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, well, because it wasn't really that big either.

SPEAKER_03:

So it's pretty early on.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean like just eyeballs and like just like itty bitty fingers. I remember it look like an alien.

unknown:

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01:

But it was like super tiny, like it maybe three months.

SPEAKER_02:

Your brain is amazing. You know what's interesting? That would scar the fuck out of my life.

SPEAKER_03:

I was gonna say, you know, it's no, you know what's interesting. You're so matter-of-fact about all of this. Yeah, I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just like when I talk about my shit.

SPEAKER_02:

And I mean, I don't know which one of us is which, but we're pretty twisted and fucked up. And I'd like to think I'm gonna do that. I think for that. I mean, I think even on like both of our faces when you said I had to bury it.

SPEAKER_03:

That was yeah, that's pretty shocking.

SPEAKER_02:

I I don't know about that. That's that's insane.

SPEAKER_00:

Like I wasn't gonna flush it. It's not a goldfish.

SPEAKER_03:

It's more the it's more the point, it's more the point of that you had to take. 17.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I'd already I had already grown up.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, if it's a goldfish or a turtle.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I had a boyfriend say tonight, for heaven's sake. Come on now. And he was on drugs.

SPEAKER_02:

And he didn't help to bury it?

SPEAKER_01:

No, I don't remember.

SPEAKER_03:

So nobody else knew about this.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh he went to jail at one point.

SPEAKER_03:

You two?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you can pick him.

SPEAKER_01:

Listen, listen, the therapist opened that door, okay? I had no idea that I had no idea that I had a track record like that. I thought I was never abused until my ex-husband.

SPEAKER_03:

So, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

But then because because I disassociate.

SPEAKER_03:

So, did something in your relationship with your ex-husband unlock all of that? Nope. You share.

SPEAKER_01:

It was the only trauma I remembered for a long time until I went to therapy.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow.

SPEAKER_01:

And she started asking questions that were never asked to me before.

SPEAKER_03:

And that's the first time you've been in therapy, or just you had a good therapist?

SPEAKER_01:

No, the first time.

SPEAKER_03:

And it was better help, right?

SPEAKER_02:

You're such an asshole.

SPEAKER_00:

It was what we're sponsored by Better.

SPEAKER_03:

No, we're not.

SPEAKER_00:

It was better. Never will be. Oh, Better Help.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, the online. I was gonna leave this room if you found a good therapist, and I was like, God damn it, everything's ruined now.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03:

Definitely wasn't better help.

SPEAKER_01:

Actually, this therapist shouldn't have been therapying me. It happened that way because my child, I would put my kids in therapy. And then she's like, hey, we need to do you first. Because I it looks like the problems are coming from you. That's how I felt anyway. Actually, I think I'm out of talking and took over.

SPEAKER_03:

Do they call that generational trauma? Is that what that's called?

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, it goes back to three generations. Well, I was okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_01:

I preach it in my groups all the time. It but I chose to put a stop to it, so you did.

SPEAKER_03:

I did, and that's more than most can do. And will do, actually.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Because a lot of people will use that excuse to continue perpetuating that.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's the thing. I was very once I understood that um of some things that I was doing, well, first I went through a phase of um hating myself. Um I thought that I was um coming up with uh excuses to justify some things I did.

SPEAKER_04:

Sure.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, but that's not what happened. I eventually figured out that the brain, the way it works, it's not what I was doing. I but it did seem like that. It felt like that because some things that I was uncovering, it just like I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

It's so goddamn uncomfortable, Christy, what you uncovered. Yeah. And then you realize once you uncover that what you've actually been through.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Uh different story. I mean, like when the therapist opened the door about the ex-boyfriends, I come to find out I've been in a lot of abuse, actually. One pushed me out of a moving car. Um one hit my head up against a seatbelt, uh, the square box of a seatbelt thing, uh, slammed it up against it because you know he was mad about something. I don't remember. Um, with my daughter turned backwards in the car, thank God. My first daughter, she was a baby then. Uh I was trying to get away from my abusive um ex-husband. Uh got away the first time into another abusive relationship. Uh had to have my abusive ex-husband save me from that abusive relationship because that was awesome. You know.

SPEAKER_03:

So So you not only were you turning a blind eye to your own abuse, it almost seems like you weren't aware of what abuse was.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Am I right on that?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and and when I got into the relationship with my ex-husband, um it wasn't obvious.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh still wasn't obvious to you that he was abusive.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, most of it was mental. Um so the so at the very beginning, like a year into our marriage, I would think if it was that it was um my daughter, my second daughter was one, it was her first birthday. I remember because it was her birthday party the night of uh because I was mad at him for not helping. He was on his phone texting the whole time. Um so I hadn't approach him about it after, you know, my oldest daughter was out playing and uh my youngest was asleep. Um and I approached him about it and uh he got really mad and didn't like that I approached him about it. He got physical. Um then uh that was uh a lot to impact because um Was that the first time he got in physical?

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

So we lived next door to um a guy who was older, but mentally he was younger.

SPEAKER_03:

Interesting, said mature.

SPEAKER_01:

Um not autistic, but uh mentally challenged. Um he was always over, he was always like you know, close to the girls and stuff, like you know, and playing um out back. I never let him go by himself because you never know about anything. Period in the past.

SPEAKER_02:

Only off or not. Yeah, never mind. So I love that you were protecting your children. For sure. Yep, I was about to say that.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, I care well, just for you naturally, you naturally had that. I don't it doesn't feel like you had to force that thought in you to be protective. It doesn't feel anything like you as a person seem to pretty much based on some of the things that we've seen with and I only go back to say that why the hell wouldn't that be a natural attribute of a parent? Right period.

SPEAKER_01:

And to know that my mom had gone through something similar.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know a lot about it, I just know that it has happened to her too. Because there I do vaguely remember there have been somebody in our family that was uh known for what do they call him?

SPEAKER_02:

Predator.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, thank you. And uh he was accused of something. It was my mom's sister, rest in peace, um, her boyfriend at the time or something, I don't even know. I just remember his ugly name. But uh I'm not mentioning no names on here.

SPEAKER_05:

But okay, that's good.

SPEAKER_01:

But uh when we'd stay the night at her house her sister's house, which I'm sorry, but again, as a mom, I still would never stay the night there.

SPEAKER_03:

Knowing that because you knew what was going on.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, if I knew that there was a predator there, I wouldn't have my daughter there with me. I don't care. Just the fact of falling asleep and you know something could happen. Just I don't know. I just I just thought of it, I just couldn't. I'm not saying that she made the wrong choice or anything. Maybe there was different circumstances. I don't know. I didn't ask.

SPEAKER_02:

Generationally there was an awareness, there is less of an awareness going back.

SPEAKER_03:

And can I also say I think there's also objectively the wrong fucking thing, too. I think you can hold her or anybody accountable for objectively wrongdoing. I mean if she knew I have a bad habit. No, no, no, I know, I know. That's exactly what I'm saying. And honestly, I'd probably go too far the other way.

SPEAKER_02:

And it's I'm not as understanding and forgiving if you're I can understand your reticence to want to say that about your mother, but objectively, I I think I have to agree with it.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess I didn't realize that. If I I just don't think I realized I did that.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, sure.

SPEAKER_01:

I justify what anybody does for anybody because I'm always getting to the bottom of like, why? Why is that behavior happening?

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

So that's why what I do now is good because that's I'm good at that. Yeah. There's a need that needs to be met. So obviously I didn't mean how to put those together, but now I do.

SPEAKER_02:

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks.

SPEAKER_02:

Bottom hooy.

SPEAKER_01:

Listen.

SPEAKER_02:

No, no. You get a bottom hooy stuff. You get a bottom hooy. You get a bottom hooy.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, listen. Yeah, but gosh, the whole We haven't even got to my marriage. I know. And we're getting there.

SPEAKER_02:

We're getting there. This is good background. But but seriously, if I mean I think all three of us are parents, right? We're single parent, you're married. Um I've been married.

SPEAKER_01:

If any married.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, that's yes. Okay, I should say divorced.

SPEAKER_01:

But mine likes to use my kids' control.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, we're gonna get into that. Yeah, you definitely need to be divided. Yeah, damn it to my children. I'm still reeling. The box in the backyard's kind of fucking with me a little bit too. So amazing story.

SPEAKER_04:

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03:

No, no, don't be starved at anything. Sorry at all. This see, there you go again. You okay, no, no, no. This is the summer. You never need to apologize for your drama.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I guess. No, definitely. It's not hurting us. It's not at all.

SPEAKER_03:

But in fact, hearing this, I guarantee you is gonna help a lot of people. It helps me to understand things differently.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, uh we we think we have it, you know, pretty rough until we hear another story. Uh, I've heard quite a few that were worse than mine. Uh I I was lucky to come out of alive.

SPEAKER_02:

Jesus, we need to just stop being such fucking assholes.

SPEAKER_01:

People in general.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Need to stop being such toxic pieces of shit. And I mean I hate that word. Toxic is a bad word.

SPEAKER_03:

It's overused.

SPEAKER_02:

Being bad people. Yeah, just bad people. It's wrong. Like, it's just bad. We're hurting each other, and then we turn around and hurt somebody else.

SPEAKER_03:

Here's the thing I want to say too is most people aren't all that bad.

SPEAKER_02:

I other. I mean, like I think all three of us do believe that most people at their very root core are good.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, I see good in everybody. Of course, you guys do.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, and probably to a fault yourself. Yes, no way.

SPEAKER_01:

If it was not for a DCS lady in my life that told me the word narcissism, which I know you don't like the labels, but for your ex that's no, no, I'm saying it's over you.

SPEAKER_02:

But a diagnosis is different than it being thrown around.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it was a at the time I didn't know it was a diagnosis. I had never heard that word before. But when she had come into hey, I heard you were hit and blah, blah, blah. He's on the other side of the door. Of course I can't I have to lie. I'm lying and crying at the same time. Like, I cannot tell you the truth, lady. I am not going home with this guy after telling you that he just hit me. Not happening. But she already knew. She read it all over my face. She she's like, You don't gotta tell me. I already know he's a narcissist, but you have to tell me in your words, or I cannot do anything to protect you. Nobody can protect me, lady. I've never been protected before. You're not gonna protect me either.

SPEAKER_02:

And that's a f that that's a a probably very specific grown adult but female perspective. As a grown man, I we're well, hell, we're bred to be the ones that are supposed to protect. And you feel bad if you don't protect.

SPEAKER_03:

But you look at others who don't do it and you want to beat the shit out of them.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. But you don't ever worry about you being protected. And interesting.

SPEAKER_03:

The female perspective on that of you know you worry about not only protecting, but also being protected.

SPEAKER_01:

Like I had to, I had to protect my children and keep them safe and alive for years.

SPEAKER_03:

But you didn't even feel like you could accept protection. Am I is that the way you're gonna be able to do it? From the government agency. I mean, I was lying to her face.

SPEAKER_01:

You guys know I don't lie. I I have a bad poker face. But when it comes to my life or death, you know, where he's gonna take my kids, or you know, these things that I had to think about because he threatened me all the time. Um at one point, uh, when I had a chance to call out somebody to help me, uh, I was outside of our window on there upstairs, and um, I remember he had the back of my neck and he said you say a word, and my kids will be without parents. Like, 'cause I didn't have a lot of um knowledge, even though my dad was a cop, like I said, he was always gone. So I didn't know like, you know, laws and and like, you know, how they protect you as a mother and a father if you if something happens or or any kind of domestic at all. It wasn't easy to get out. And I actually didn't get out. Cop. Mm-hmm. Ex cop, no. He was very smart. He was very smart at things that he's very manipulative is what it is.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. Intelligent manipulator. At the time I felt like he was smart.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. He like mapped things out like he quit before he was going to be fired for domestic because he went to jail. Uh that's so that he can go back to the city. Technology would have learned. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Same thing. Explain military.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, military was a whistleblower, so they didn't accept him back.

SPEAKER_03:

Was he?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, supposedly. I don't know the whole story. Who told you he was a whistleblower?

SPEAKER_02:

Probably him. He did. Uh exactly. Yep, there you go.

SPEAKER_01:

Either he said that uh the general was a whistleblower, but that doesn't make sense because he was one of the f I don't even know.

SPEAKER_03:

I tried to dishonorably discharged?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. We were in the battle of courts, so he wouldn't tell me a lot of things.

SPEAKER_03:

If you're honorably discharged, would you keep your pension? That's exactly what ah.

SPEAKER_01:

True bad.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, he doesn't have his pension. Well, there you go.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm in what, five years, four years, five years of divorce. Um, but my flashbacks are different now than what they used to be. They used to be more like scary. And now I look back and it's like, well, what part was mine? I had to learn the difference between accountability and responsibility.

SPEAKER_02:

You heard it here, folks. A woman that takes accountability.

SPEAKER_01:

It took a long time to get there, so be patient with yourself.

SPEAKER_02:

Like good tip. Your fucking tip right there.

SPEAKER_01:

Pro tip is Christy says. Patience is in her. Christy's corner.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's put her over there. This is Christy's corner.

SPEAKER_01:

So if you want me to be like I'm in my group, Christy in the corner.

SPEAKER_02:

Nobody puts Christy's. Nobody puts Christy.

SPEAKER_01:

That's right. Because I am protected, damn it. I got friends in high places.

SPEAKER_03:

In low places. And low places.

SPEAKER_01:

Inside.

SPEAKER_03:

Everywhere.

SPEAKER_01:

I got a support system now, let's just say that. Yeah. Seeing people that cared about me felt really awkward and uncomfortable. So of course my whole life I pushed everybody away.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Uh patients? Strangers. I can openly talk. I can be whoever I am. Uh with people I love, I tend to uh yeah, the closer they get, the meaner I get.

SPEAKER_02:

Do you feel like that's do you feel like that's due to abuse like physical abuse, or do you feel like that's based on the fact that everybody leaves eventually? Oh. I mean There's a perspective.

SPEAKER_01:

When I went through the abuse with my ex-husband, I ran and asked for help from anyone and everyone. And nobody helped me. Nope.

SPEAKER_02:

Um and when somebody did offer the help, you didn't believe it was real. You had to hide it.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, no, I actually I was I was desperate at one point. Um uh and I actually had somebody that was gonna help me do this and this, and she knew what she was doing, and blah blah blah. I was like, yes, finally, you know, and she comes in, and of course, everything she learned about it, she then used it and started gossiping.

SPEAKER_04:

Like uh friend or a professor.

SPEAKER_01:

So it was uh so my daughter played softball, and there was like you know, softball families like, you know, sure hang out, stuff like that. The moms, uh, but this mom was really gonna help me, um, but yet didn't. She got all the information, never seen her again. And I heard she was talking about things, and her daughter wasn't allowed over anymore, and like, you know, uh son kind of. And I and my daughter came for it too.

SPEAKER_02:

So that's another difference, too.

SPEAKER_01:

So now talking about it hurts my children. So then I had to close up. Well, people thought I was crazy anyways. I was the crazy one because he was really smart, manipulative, and I then learned that there's flying monkeys and there's this and there's that, his family. Um, like the uh I the first time he put his hands on me, I was relieved when he called his mom because she was coming over. I'm like, thank God, now somebody can help me out of this. You know, I can leave because he wouldn't let me leave. Uh like every time I go to go out the door, he would grab my hoodie or like slam me on the table, uh, throw me into the stairs, told throw me into the room and tell me when I calm down, we'll talk.

SPEAKER_03:

Um just possessive.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, very uh But not even in an affectionate. I felt like a dummy like being thrown around when I look back. Um and how my body was stand stood all that. Like I didn't have broken bones, um, I had a very bad back. Um I had uh degenerative disc disease, uh bulging discs, uh arthritis, um carple tendal tanninitis, blah blah blah blah blah uh migraines um at the time. Um then went into more and more complications healthy-wise. Uh I stopped eating, um, I wasn't paying attention to, you know, I'd feed the kids, I'd make sure everything was done.

SPEAKER_02:

You're talking about all this abuse, and we've had that conversation about how the body remembers, how the body stores all of that pain and that trauma.

SPEAKER_01:

Like I was tensing up, so I'm still working on my body reactions. Uh my brain is healing, but my body's not.

SPEAKER_02:

But even like now you also you suffered from fibromyalgia.

SPEAKER_01:

And renauds.

SPEAKER_02:

And rhinouts.

SPEAKER_01:

I they neither want to have a uh cure a cure or a known cause.

SPEAKER_02:

For either one. Or any real good treatment. Neither for fibromyalgia either. I didn't know on that one.

SPEAKER_01:

Fibromyalgia is the biggest one that there is no well, there's no cure. You can subside the pain, but not all the pain.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, okay. But to throw this out there just real briefly, I only know one other woman who has fibromyalgia, and she was also sexually abused. Yeah, I don't know if that's a fair parallel because I don't want to I you never know.

SPEAKER_02:

I think that there's a huge parallel there, and I think there's a real connection between actual physical and to some extent even soul mental trauma that then gets translated because you're well fibromyalgia is nerves. Yeah, no, it's it's your nervous system.

SPEAKER_01:

The nervous system is reacted by trauma in a uh the cortisone, right? Uh the release of cortisone in your body. And if you are in constant what they call CPTS, CPTSD, which is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, meaning uh not a lot of people have heard of the CPTSD, um, basically it's a longer version of trauma or abuse.

SPEAKER_02:

So it's a long time. PTSD came about because of war people going away and experiencing the atrocities of war. When you've got somebody here at home has been abused, yeah, the war of the rose, the war at home, right? The war at home for that one time. But before we get too far away, I want to put a pin in.

SPEAKER_04:

Sorry. Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but talking about the three brains, because we've had a recent conversation about that. When developmentally, when you when you are created, right, you grow from your belly button out. And so we always talk about that gut feeling and listening to your intuition.

SPEAKER_01:

Because most of the time it's right.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, but that's your first brain. There's there's theory out there that your gut is your first brain, your heart is your second brain, and then your brain brain is your third brain. And do what? It's true. Yeah. Never heard of this. But it's interesting that that as you go deeper into yourself, like you really are like to talk about. Well, how do you know that? Well, I feel it in my gut. Well, what backs that up? I don't know. I just feel it. But then when you talk about the heart, you're like, well, there's there's this feeling that I get when I and so it's it's informed by a feeling, whereas even the stomach level, no, you don't even necessarily know where it's coming from. It feels like a sixth sense kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_02:

And then you have this conscious computer up here going at it. But when you think about that order of things, and then you think about how deep trauma is beat into somebody like physically.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I mean, it starts in the womb, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Like they say that the ba the womb is built with whatever the well, you even talk about the the trauma that may have traced mind to get so effective.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. It would have been by a stillborn twin. It would have been a womb. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_01:

Because trauma starts, uh, you're connected. I I have heard of that. Uh the mom, uh the things that you went through when you're pregnant while you're pregnant, uh, then go into uh the fetus. Um, so you're already born with um there's your generational trauma. I mean, right? Like, like if my mom went through some trauma and she had to be strong. In her eyes, she was strong. Well, that's that explains not yet.

SPEAKER_02:

You're such a dick.

SPEAKER_01:

You are a dick, but that's okay. It's okay, because we joke about it all the time.

SPEAKER_02:

It's the only way genuinely funny though.

SPEAKER_01:

It was funny. But she was a twin, also. Uh she was she's a twin. She was born with one eye blind already, and the other one went blind from They told you to give up on that.

SPEAKER_02:

I remember he had a hater online, told him to quit trying to.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, there's always gonna be haters. Those haters have uh problems within themselves. No worries.

SPEAKER_02:

And you've glossed over your suicide stuff too. Holy shit, we all know about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Listen, there's plenty, okay?

Contributor

Tony

Co-host

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