Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! | Dark Humor Conversations On Mental Health, Trauma & Society

Domestic Abuse, Divorce & Rebuilding After Trauma | Kristi Morris, Pt. 2

• Nicholas Wichman - Mental Health Advocate • Season 1 • Episode 22

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Adulthood after childhood trauma: a suicide attempt, single motherhood (with four kids), domestic abuse, a devastating divorce, custody and court battles, and what actually helped.

A candid mental health episode with trauma-recovery tools, boundaries, and co-parenting realities with an abusive ex-partner.

Episode focus: rebuilding after a life of trauma—what recovery looked like day-to-day, patterns to avoid, and practical steps that protect our children and learning self-respect.

We cover:

  • Suicide attempt & aftermath—stabilization, shame, daily recovery
  • Single motherhood (with 4 kids)—identity, burnout, support systems
  • Domestic abuse patterns—red flags, safety, rebuilding trust
  • Court & co-parenting—devastating divorce, boundaries, custody battles
  • Triggers that linger—tools that help now; growth and setbacks

Draft one boundary that protects you and your kids this week. Save it, say it, and share the line on our Discord "The Struggle Bus". Help others grow by sharing what you've learned from abuse. (link below)

If you’re struggling (U.S.): Call/Text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7).

Sexual assault support: RAINN 800-656-HOPE or online.rainn.org (24/7).

Beat The Mental Health Out Of It! (AKA “BTMHOOI!”) is a candid mental health podcast rooted in lived experience: schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia spectrum psychosis, BPD, PTSD, trauma recovery, coping skills, and dark humor that helps make serious mental illness more understandable and human.

Hosted by Nicholas Wichman (“The DEFECTIVE Schizoaffective”) with frequent co-host Tony Medeiros (“IndyPocket”), we cover psych wards, psychiatric medication, disability, religious trauma, good therapy, bad therapy, and practical real-world coping — plus the societal and relationship issues that shape mental health every day. The goal isn’t just “fighting stigma.” It’s education, clarity, and honest conversation.

We interview everyone from everyday people to public figures, clinicians, and professionals, because mental health struggles don’t care who you are. If you’re willing to share your story or expertise, we aim to offer a safe, judgment-free space where you can speak openly — and still have some fun while doing it.

New episodes drop every other Monday at 6am EDT.

Want community and support? Join our Discord, “The Struggle Bus”: https://discord.gg/emFXKuWKNA

All links (TikTok, YouTube, Streaming, etc.): https://linktr.ee/BTMHOOI

Podcast cover art by Ryan Manning

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SPEAKER_02:

You know, you're in a padded room right now.

SPEAKER_00:

I am. I love it. I'm so used to it, I don't even notice it.

SPEAKER_02:

It's pretty great, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So, Christy, I'd like to take you back to when the fe the physical abuse, I think you said something about there was a couple of boyfriends.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah. Um broke my couple threw me out of moving car, stuck my head, you know.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, even when didn't you deserve it? I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? I may have. I don't I couldn't take my accountability in it yet. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_03:

But then again, there you go. But like I said, yeah, like there's perfectly good reasons to be mad at somebody. You might have said something that was mean or shaky. I'm not gonna lie. But that does not ever give a reason to be able to do that. So I guess if somebody wants to take accountability and be like, okay, I was a complete cunt in that situation. But like that doesn't.

SPEAKER_00:

I'd just say I did push some buttons sometimes, because I did.

SPEAKER_02:

Just being a cunt warrant getting hit. Warrant. That's what I'm saying. Being pushed out of a car and I feel like maybe it's not.

SPEAKER_03:

What I'm getting at here is what I am getting at because I noticed you know you like to just try to justify something about every situation, but there's an objective remote.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, he had a horrible life too.

SPEAKER_03:

So well, there you go again. So, like, but here's just like you though, you had a pretty fucking awful life. But you perpetuated what I'm saying though is I kind of even learned this in my own therapy, and I probably took it the other way, is if there's situations where you know every situation, really no situation is quote unquote black and white, right? But there's objectively wrong, and then there's you know, your part in it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

But like, you know, you're somebody who really seems to struggle even giving yourself any grace, like this one.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, we are still working on that one, right?

SPEAKER_03:

And it's a work in progress. But I'm saying one thing you could do is if you are if you are forced to find accountability in a situation because you can't just say, that guy threw me out of a car, he's wrong 100%. It might help you to be like, okay, at least I can say I was a bitch in this way. Because there is something that can be healthy and if you have to.

SPEAKER_02:

I think I actually agree with that, because it also will make you have to understand, and maybe this is a lesson going forward for for all of us, really. We can take our part in it, but if the reaction if what happened to you doesn't seem to match or logical or or or an equitable exchange, like Can I go ahead and segue here?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so you guys talked about how you know you guys have talked people down on the ledge, so to speak. I know you said you've attempted or right. Have you ever been talked down yourself, or did you have to get yourself off the ledge? Uh if you don't mind sharing what it was, so I was ready to go.

SPEAKER_00:

I was ready to go. Um, of course, it's against the Bible to commit suicide. So uh, and I was raised a Christian. And I and I I looked to the Bible a lot because I didn't have a lot of discipline, I didn't have a lot of structure or didn't have a father. Right. Um, or mother, really, all the time.

SPEAKER_01:

Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, so I had to be a parent at 15. So my like my whole life was fifteen until I realized that I was fifteen.

SPEAKER_01:

If that makes sense. Yeah, I get you.

SPEAKER_00:

I was only taught till I was fifteen. After that, I learned everything else on my own.

SPEAKER_03:

So where else are you gonna go but the good book?

SPEAKER_00:

Huh?

SPEAKER_03:

Where else can you go for a reference on morals?

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, like, yeah, if you were taught but the kids. I mean, some people do. Some people learn from the streets because they look up to anyone and everyone. If you weren't raised in a home that the Bible existed, what would you go to? You know, you don't really have a choice but to find the first thing comfortable. Find the first thing that felt comfortable, find the first thing that you believed that would be right about something that fit, right? But I knew God was there because I just knew, I guess. Uh him being against suicide, I felt really guilty, but at the point in my life it was about um no other way out. I wanted the pain to stop physically, mentally, emotionally. At that point, he made me believe I was not a good mom. My kids didn't care about me.

SPEAKER_01:

You're talking about your ex.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Uh, sorry. Um and it we were going on uh honestly, I can't tell you what year it was. Um it becomes a blur during our marriage of the timeline. I'm still working through that. Um, and some of my childhood, everybody's going to react differently.

SPEAKER_03:

Although I'm pretty sure most serial killers have shaved heads.

SPEAKER_00:

Listen, you know what? The day that you figure that out is the day you become them. So I don't even ask anymore. Why is him do what?

SPEAKER_02:

He said most serial killers have shaved heads. Oh yeah, that's how it happens.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god. Mike was saying I was slow on that one. I really took it literally. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, we finally did it. Thank goodness. I was hoping we'd do that. No, we were talking. No, we were we always get lost. Oh, we yes. Always. Always I'm impressed we did that. Okay. So no, we were talking about um your on the line. Yep. Suicidal.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yes. Uh, back to that. Okay. So my plan was, well, when you're ready to go, you're ready to go. You don't tell anybody.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

I so you weren't gonna leave a note. Heck no. I wasn't wanted, needed.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, just those are the people you know actually don't want to say. Well, I didn't need it.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, I did say something. I mean, maybe foreclosure, but it was like two words literally on Facebook.

SPEAKER_03:

What'd you say?

SPEAKER_00:

I'm done.

SPEAKER_03:

So you posted that on Facebook. I did. Brutal. Anyone reach out to you?

SPEAKER_00:

I have no idea. As soon as I posted, I shut my phone off.

SPEAKER_01:

So what was your plan?

SPEAKER_00:

I locked all the windows, locked the doors, turned my radio all the way up, got my beard, got my pizza, sat in the bathtub with my clothes on, had a knife. I knew that there was a main artery that if you cut it a certain way and I didn't know which way, so I was just gonna do both, whichever did the job. Ate my last pizza pizza. I prayed to God and I said, sorry for everyone about to you, I know you're against it, but I'm tired of hurting. Um I tried everything. I tried to reach out for help, I asked for help, I went, tried to go um try to save up money. The day before we were gonna leave, I found out I was pregnant with my third daughter. I my knees hit the ground and I looked up a guy like why? I don't understand.

SPEAKER_03:

Why are you impregnated again?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, why? What are you telling me? Am I looking at this wrong? I questioned everything. Like, am I being selfish? Am I looking at this because because I don't want to hurt anymore, I want out, or is this because he went to war and he's suffering and he needs me? Like, like what are you telling me to do? Because you always look for signs and things to tell you which way to go.

SPEAKER_03:

What the hell did that mean?

SPEAKER_00:

Keep trying. That's all I knew what to do. If obviously I'm pregnant, I can't leave. Wow. I mean, that's a sign like to say I needed to stay because there's something I'm missing, right? At the time I didn't know what mental abuse was, so I didn't know he was mentally abusing me. So what happened? I'm here. I didn't commit suicide, I didn't even puncture skin. Before my neighbor, this is how I know God exists too. It really made a lot of sense. Uh, as far as like I wasn't alone, he carried me because there's no way I would have made it that long alone. Oh, okay. Um, and there's no way I would have came out of that. But nobody was helping me, nobody was saving me, even my friends. Right. My friends even knew he was a jackass. That's why I have no friends. I got rid of them all.

SPEAKER_03:

Did they know to what level he was doing? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

One of them, at least one of them, uh at least two of them.

SPEAKER_03:

I was there, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah, yeah. And knew yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Female friends?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Uh she recently came back into my life and she still doesn't know why I stopped talking to her. But instead of like dwelling on it, which I did, I'm not gonna lie, I did go through a period where like, you know, dwelled on, you know, the choices I made and went back a little bit and was like, man, I wish I could have done that different. How am I gonna fix that?

SPEAKER_02:

I gotta make up for all that time. I'm a bad person because I didn't.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like I I became a zombie to my kids for a period of time. I do. Like I had to disassociate.

SPEAKER_01:

Numbness.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't remember none of it. So why is it bad to disassociate? It's not bad to disassociate when you're going through something that you need to stay safe and alive to get through. But when you come out of that, your body still does that automatically because now you're used to doing it so much that it's automatic, you don't even notice you're doing it. The spacing out the when somebody's yelling and screaming at you or putting you down or critiquing you, you shut them out and you just stare off. You hear their voice, it's almost like Charlie Brown.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because you gotta go. No, you're an algae. I I mean, like now we know how Charlie Brown was about.

SPEAKER_02:

So I'm curious. He broke it.

SPEAKER_00:

His wife came up, and as soon as I heard my name, I dropped the knife, and she held me. She pulled me out of my uh because if you're gonna commit suicide, you're you definitely have to be disassociated.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure. To be sitting there with you know that way. But do you do you feel like in your attempts there was an aspect of just kind of zoned out and it was going through motions?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I don't know really. I don't know if I look at mine that way, because even I still struggle with that, you know, okay multiple times a day. I don't look at that, I look at that as just an intrinsic.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, you know what? It can it may I just gave it a a name. Um, because if I think about it, uh it it was snapping me too. Like when if nobody's there, you're capable of doing something more, if you especially if you're planning on doing it, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00:

Than to be justified or judged in front of somebody of doing it. Right? So she comes in, a human body's there and just grabs me. No questions asked, no, nothing was said. She's like, it's okay, and just held me. That's it. There was nothing. I just lost it. Balled and balled and balled and balled and bowled. I don't remember stopping bowling until I was talked to by my mom and his mom, and I don't remember nothing they said. Cause they didn't know. No, it did not.

SPEAKER_03:

Well mattered being held, that's what mattered.

SPEAKER_00:

It did. They knew when when they saw that, they knew how serious it really was.

SPEAKER_03:

See, that's that's interesting too, because they probably like you said, I think they knew some things were going on.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I would never say I'm gonna commit suicide. I never told anybody that because I was never believed in suicide until I believed in suicide.

SPEAKER_03:

When did you hit that point? Can you trace back like when it was like, all right, like I'm just gonna say fuck religion, fuck all of it. It's just like I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

It wasn't about fucking religion. It was just that I went to God, I prayed to God, I've asked for help, I've reached out, I tried to make it work. I even looked at his perspective without mine. I I tried anything and everything. I could not get out, and the pain was just excruciating. I was under 100 pounds, I was dying. I've been on my deathbed more than once from malnutrition, from from uh just different things. I was tired. I was so tired mentally, physically, emotionally. And then he when my last draw was when he told me I was a piece of shit mom and my kids didn't love me. And of course he had them at the time, so they weren't there to justify that for me, you know. So in my head, after all this mental abuse and he was with his other girlfriend, by the way, that's how I got out uh eventually, uh, he found another power source. Um and it was more believable because she had people that support her. So her family was close and uh he went to jail for that one. So when people say I was in love with this guy, I don't remember being in love. I can't tell you, I think I remember one happy time with him.

SPEAKER_03:

You're talking ex or the guy that you expect.

SPEAKER_00:

So so 13 years, and I remember one thing. So how he came about was I was not attracted to him. He was an arrogant asshole. So I was not into him. Uh broke it off with him for a while, but he was the only guy I met when I moved here. And when I went on the date, then I broke it off, blah blah blah. There was a guy that my a previous ex was trying to break into my apartment. My roommate wasn't home, and I was scared shitless because I didn't have anybody call. Uh I called him to come protect me, and that was his wing end. So that was all she broke after that.

SPEAKER_02:

And after not being protected, that would probably be a pretty heady mix of wow, this person came over when I called and protected me.

SPEAKER_01:

So take it all in no skate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

It's a lot to take it on. There was something else that I remember. Oh that's not even because you you also talked about the time you were being physically harmed and your father was there.

SPEAKER_00:

At my dad's house.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

He was coming to pick up the kids.

SPEAKER_02:

You weren't living together at that point.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I was living with my dad's time.

SPEAKER_02:

So he came to pick up the kids. To pick up the kids.

SPEAKER_00:

And it was raining. I don't know. It was raining. My kids actually, my son actually reached out and said, Mom, did this really happen? Because his family has a uh bad habit of telling my kids they were just dreaming. Oh.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

At one point his mom even told me to tell him it was a dream.

SPEAKER_02:

The gaslighting.

SPEAKER_00:

That DC S Lady had mentioned narcissism. I didn't know what the hell that meant. Of course I wasn't gonna ask her, right? Then when I'm lying to her that he didn't hit me as I'm crying in her face. So I then started research after we got divorced. Uh that was my first uh hurdle out was to research what I was going through, what I was dealing with. Uh, because nobody else was in my corner. I printed off billions and billions of pages of all kinds of things. Um, and I actually legitimately I could say I went crazy after more than I did during. I went crazy to understand that really manipulation, which at the time I didn't know that that existed either.

SPEAKER_02:

So you didn't even really have a frame of reference on life, much less.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know, the whole generational thing here, let's step back a little bit because you guys have your own opinion, that's fine. But it helped me get it helps me get through. What I'm saying is it's like the generational curse, right? The insecurities, burdens, um, all these problems that we put onto the next generation. My parents taught me what they knew, what they were taught. Okay, that's all they could do, unless they knew that, like I did, and I went further. I stopped it because I wanted to understand what my flaws were, why am I doing this? What is happening, you know, all these things so that I can keep it from my my children have to deal with. I feel like I've came a long way in the last few years. Um, a lot of progress that should have taken years and years of therapy and all this stuff, but I was determined. Um, I am very determined when it comes to something I want or or feel like is a good deed, and I'm all in, you know. Um, and my kids are a good deed. Like I am determined to make their lives better. They have a f a better starting point than I did. And and I couldn't make up for the last time they had of the zombie mom or the abusive dad, or you know, and my kids mentioned, you know, I think it would probably be easier to say that he had a reason, like he was on drugs or alcohol. Neither one. He didn't have nothing to blame it on.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe war.

SPEAKER_02:

But even that, like Yeah, I mean PT PTSD from wartime experiences well documented.

SPEAKER_00:

And you got on medication.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So no physical throughout most of the marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

Just to kind of bring it back because you were talking about you call it justification or whatever.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god, the generational thing.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I I I don't know that either one of us are saying it necessarily because that you need to find a way to put blame on somebody, but don't do it.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I'm just saying like the justification, like you're justifying what they did. You know, maybe maybe I don't remember the whole story. I'm telling you my perspective again, and I don't remember everything.

SPEAKER_02:

And I think both of us can very wholeheartedly tell you the accountability piece is big in what we discuss. So mad respect for that. When you do kind of whatever you want to call it, justify or find reason behind the way they do. It I like to call it understanding. Understanding is fine. Just I don't like that I have seen you, especially over the years. Once you get understanding about someone else's issue, you start to take on that negativity in your and it's and it's not yours to take.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, like I said, I went through a phase of hating myself because I thought I was making excuses to justify what I was doing.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

It's the same as what I was doing for other people.

SPEAKER_03:

So I think the balance is of being able to hold somebody accountable to let it go after that, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, they say you have to forgive.

SPEAKER_03:

Or accept it. Well, it's acceptance.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, acceptance. Well, acceptance, not really accepting to the point where you're justifying what they did was right. Not saying that at all. Just accepting it happened and the but accepting it to where you can move on. Exactly and letting it go.

SPEAKER_02:

And understanding the motion behind it, that's fine.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just easy, yes. Huh? You ever had a grudge?

SPEAKER_02:

Grudge, got somebody.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, against somebody. Something that they've treated you or well, I'm just saying, like a lot of my whole family does. My family my mom's side of the family is very big about grudges. Whoo, buddy. You cannot live one thing down in the in that family. And that again, I I also went through some things where I had to distance myself from my family to grow. Right. So I wasn't able to grow if I was still had my family.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and much like we talked, you know, the path of finding your spirituality, I think finding your growth and your healing and your is also a different path. And I think that can be different too. And maybe it doesn't look the same for everybody or even look right from everyone's perspective, but there's no denying your growth.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's the way I look at it. Well, at the time I didn't know that's what I was doing.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

I had already pushed him away when I was abused, okay? Because that's just something that I pushed my whole family away when I was with my ex-husband.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, like I became distant with my family, my friends, blah blah blah. You become isolated.

SPEAKER_03:

And he was probably manipulating you into doing that. And he was. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I would not be able to do that. Yeah. But instead of after it, I did try to bond, but I went downhill because I did go crazy afterwards.

SPEAKER_01:

True.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh, to know that somebody can manipulate you. To me, that was like a puppet, you know, you were like a puppet. Then you start like realizing and backflashing things that were like, wow, what? Because the more you're away from somebody, the more you can think for yourself and not being manipulated, and you can actually like see what really was going on as if you were on the outside, third person, uh looking in. And sometimes I still like it makes me cry to see myself and coward in a closet, you know, crying and you know, asking for help from God, or you know, reaching and looking for anything that guide me what to do or where to go or how to get out or who to go to, or you know, because cops will laugh in my face, uh, military turn their cheek. Like, um, I tried everything to get out. Like, people say, Oh, you you just know when you're hit, you could have got out. Let me tell you something. Until you lived it, you have no room to talk. At the justified piece, they say to forgive.

SPEAKER_02:

You forgive them so that it releases you.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. But how how easy is it to forgive with the things that you go through with people that should have known better when you were a kid and you did it?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, especially that, yeah. That's difficult. No, you're you're right.

SPEAKER_00:

You it's hard. So if I held them accountable, then that makes me judging them, first of all. And I have nobody to judge but myself. I was a child, I get that. I gotta show myself some grace. I got through it, I'm alive. Now what do I do?

SPEAKER_03:

I think at this point you you keep growing, you keep moving, you keep growing up. And that's what I've been doing. You're going through your therapy, and then you're gonna be able to do some of it opened, I closed it right back. Right.

SPEAKER_00:

There's no need for it to be open anymore.

SPEAKER_03:

You're right.

SPEAKER_00:

I closed it for a reason. My brain knew that it needed to keep me safe and alive this long.

SPEAKER_02:

I actually love that. We talk at length on this show about how therapy puts people in this safe space to stay in their pain versus realizing, you know what, maybe I don't need that piece. It's okay to just like yeah, let's not worry about that.

SPEAKER_00:

If it's not causing an issue, I don't see why you have to go back and relive it. Obviously, you did something to close that door where you don't remember it ever again.

SPEAKER_02:

If it comes back sometime in your life that it's causing a problem. Right. But what I'm saying is what you were saying something about how it's not yeah, how it's not affecting your life. Until it does, maybe you don't maybe don't fuck with that.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Maybe leave that demon where it's at.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

If it's not truly impacting anybody. Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, why do I have to remember that? So that I don't follow those patterns again? Well, I've grown a lot to know that I know what to look for now.

SPEAKER_03:

That's a huge growth. Honestly, it is.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, sometimes I'm not gonna see it. We're blind to the eye of some things, right? Manipulation is manipulation.

SPEAKER_03:

Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

But we're a lot more signs. Right. And a lot of people weren't. Don't worry about it. Oh, you're absolutely right.

SPEAKER_03:

They continue, continue going that path until it's until it's fatal often, or you know, is unreal, they can not recover from that. And you have, you know, you definitely still ended up in some of those situations for sure. However, look where you're at now. I am very and there's people who would never get to where you're at. Stuck on this couch with us. Good job. You may think whatever you've done to get to this point, I think much of it has been painful and and some certainly has been healthy, you know, that you've adopted the learned to to have that growth.

SPEAKER_00:

I like this. Yes, I'm so human. So nobody gets the wrong idea.

SPEAKER_03:

No, no, no, that's exactly what I'm saying. You are human. We all are.

SPEAKER_00:

Because I I present myself now confident, um, I dress well, I talk confident. Um, it took a lot to get me here. In other words, my traumas and my past does not wear on the outside anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

It used to. Um, I used to care what people thought about me, I used to care what people said about me, I used to care um about a lot of things, and now like I tell myself these affirmations and these quotes that help me go, you know, and and support people that are supportive um to me, friends, coworkers. I mean, everybody processes differently. I'm not saying you're wrong for doing that. Uh when you're raped, uh when things happen to you like that, you go one of which ways. Uh I went the way where I covered up, continuously wore baggy clothes. I have a nice figure, but I never showed it off. I didn't want the attention. There are girls who went the opposite way because it felt good and and they weren't taught that it was bad or whatever, I don't know. Um, but I have seen where they go the other direction that they flaunt themselves, they want to be seen because they want that acknowledgement because they think that that's love, or that's the only way they're gonna get the attention.

SPEAKER_02:

But it's somehow validating. Yeah. But then they go and cry themselves asleep every night.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Because who wants to get attention that way? But you don't know anybody. If that's all you know.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. So if we let's take this back to like a little bit of the male-female perspectives. Um, you know, we we talked on on our mail episode about how you know we want to be able as men to acknowledge a woman's beauty without them thinking that, oh, they're gonna rape me or they're gonna, you know, want to take advantage of it.

SPEAKER_00:

I work with men. I work on a men's unit. And people worry about me a lot.

SPEAKER_02:

She said men's unit.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02:

It's unit. It's another word for.

SPEAKER_00:

It is?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Unit?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, your package, your unit. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00:

You guys are lame.

SPEAKER_03:

Guys are stupid. Well, she just walked out. It sucks. Scream again. Drop the brand. So many jokes.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02:

This is blind to everything.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, back to the guy thing.

SPEAKER_02:

I think they both might hit that doorframe. Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

So wrong.

SPEAKER_02:

They both wake up on the floor.

SPEAKER_00:

What happened?

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

I feel the power of the lap. Continue.

SPEAKER_02:

Please continue. You were saying what?

SPEAKER_00:

So listen, okay. My mom had eye surgery, right? And if you had eye surgery, I don't know if you know, but it's very painful. Blood filling up in her eyes. I'm a child. It's very scary. She's screaming and moaning in pain, and all they give her is Tyanol 3s. You want to get drugs to pay. So the doctor wouldn't give her drugs to take the pain away. And of course, any child, if they see their parent in pain, you want to take it away. Yeah. I remember staying up late night like all night long, just keeping her propped up because they said if she rolled over on her back, it would detach again, her retin would detach again, and they'd have to do the surgery if they could even do it again. Um, so there's a lot of uh pressure put on me. Not not not because she put it on me, but because as a child, you don't want your parents to have to suffer.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and and I mean you were the only one who could actually help them with it by default. Right.

SPEAKER_00:

My brother was going through a really hard time at that time too.

SPEAKER_03:

He uh wasn't capable.

SPEAKER_00:

Um my boyfriend did drugs at the time, so I kind of knew where to go to get pain pills, and uh, I got my mom pain pills to subside the pain and would stay up at night so that she wouldn't roll on her back so she didn't detach, blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_02:

You're so very happy go lucky.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I got lucky in a lot of ways that I don't understand I got lucky in. Like, there are some things that you guys see as a curse um as far as like parenting or generational things go. I don't because I feel like they didn't know any of anything else.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

Unless you were told what was there that you didn't know.

SPEAKER_03:

Then comes the question of is education at play here? You know what I'm saying? Like, where's the line here? Oh where does human decency line up with oh I wasn't educated that that was a smart ass?

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, no, no, no, no, that's real, it's legit because I did question myself about that.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

When you come to that term of of I it's the point of holding yourself accountable if you know it and then continue it.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. That's what's useful.

SPEAKER_00:

And and and it is because because now instead of going back and trying to relive the the life that I cannot fix or change, I then take this and now I'm helping others. I'm that help that somebody wished they would have had, or I wished I would have had.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, like nobody reached out to me. Nobody said, you know what? I can relate to you. No, they all kept it a secret. Because you don't talk about stuff like that. It wasn't okay. And if you did, you were crazy.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you're right, it's true. And gosh, it it's hard to know where the damn balance is with this, too, isn't it? You don't you really don't.

SPEAKER_00:

You don't, and it's okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I think there again, it's that acceptance thing.

SPEAKER_00:

We're human beings, we make mistakes, we're gonna continue to make mistakes. We make mistakes to learn.

SPEAKER_02:

Well what was the question you asked?

SPEAKER_03:

Because I can't remember now, about the female perspective from like the outside, you being a female, you know, Kim and I were talking with Duff about how you know we just want to be able to look at a woman and acknowledge their even their sexual beauty, even if we don't have an intent to be. It's out of your control.

SPEAKER_00:

The reason I say that is because I've come a far away, I didn't know how to take a compliment. When somebody would compliment me, I'm like, mm-hmm. Either ignore it or be like, please stop. It's very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_03:

But it was genuine out of discomfort, right? Because I know some people oh, well, I was right.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, I was right. So I didn't want the attention for my entire life.

SPEAKER_03:

So even compliments almost rather than didn't mean anything, had a negative connotation.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

So I had to teach myself how to accept compliments because now I'm being rude to somebody else.

SPEAKER_01:

You see what I'm saying? Interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh it's coming off as wow, what a bitch. I was trying to give her a compliment, and here she's like, Wow, really?

SPEAKER_03:

If a man comes to you and says, you know, just comments on your looks, and if it's not, you know, if we're not they're not like staring up and down or groping or any like that extreme level, just clearly admiring your sexual beauty, let's say.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Okay. Uh gas station, uh, about a year ago. I remember this guy plain as day. He he legitimately, after pumping my gas, I get in my car to go. Um, he walks up to my window and he's like, excuse me. And I was like, Yeah, I thought he was gonna ask, you know, something. I didn't really expect this. He's like, I just want to tell you, you are like gorgeous, like so beautiful. And that was it. I was like, Oh, thank you. He wasn't disrespectful about it. He legitimately said, Hey, excuse me. I just want you to know that you're gorgeous, you're beautiful. He wasn't asking for my number, he wasn't he didn't go any further. He didn't like it wasn't like a like didn't feel like he was planning some sort of right, because there are guys that are like stupid and use the wrong words like, hey, sexy, right, fuck you. Right? Like there's a way to approach a woman. Sure. And if you still approach them and they still take it the wrong way, then that's on them. That's their problem, not yours.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

One way to not worry about what other people think um about you is I'm one of those people that follow rules, right? So I have to talk to myself in that way. Um, so I tell myself it is what people say and think about me is in my damn business. It keeps me from wondering what they think it's say because it's telling you it's not my business, I stay out.

SPEAKER_03:

That's pretty powerful too, Christy. How easy is that for you to maintain?

SPEAKER_00:

Actually, a hell of a lot easier than what it was.

SPEAKER_03:

So that's something you had to kind of learn and really internalize to get there, right?

SPEAKER_00:

It took a long time, but when I heard that quote, so you have to find what works for you. Sure. Um, after being a caretaker or um always giving, people pleaser is what they call it. Um you don't know what you want. You don't know what your needs are, you don't know anything about yourself actually.

SPEAKER_03:

And I'm assuming is it because you felt like worthless? Like my why did why does somebody even care what I think or want?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's because I never really asked myself what I want.

SPEAKER_03:

And the fact that no one ever else no one else ever asked you that either. I'm sure it's not. By default, I would imagine that makes you feel just lesser than period. Like have you have you have you felt like you're like me sad?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. I'm different though. I'm different from other people. I blame myself before I'll blame somebody else. Right, right. Um, I'm always harder on myself than I am others. Uh I've gone through shit that most people cannot say that they have.

unknown:

Sure.

SPEAKER_02:

I've never buried a baby.

SPEAKER_00:

I thought you said married a baby. I was like, I have not either. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01:

That makes three of us.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I guess I did. He was definitely a baby. The big question of why me. You guys want to hear my thing on that? So my brain works different. Um it's actually pretty funny sometimes. I was asking that why me? Why does it have to have to happen to me? I'm loyal, I'm faithful, I'm pure-hearted, I always give, I never take, I'm not selfish, but why me? Like why'd this have to happen to me? I was watching CSI and this uh part where they walk into a murder scene of a child, uh, and they walk in, and there's blood everywhere, and and this lady detective says, Uh, how can somebody do such a thing? How can they murder a child, an innocent child? And the guy detective comes in and says, Well, the day that you figure that out is the day you become them. And that hit me.

unknown:

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's why I am chasing something that I'll never figure out. I will not get closer, so stop looking for it. Because I will never be that low. I will never treat somebody inhuman, so I'll never know why. And even if I did, I probably never wanted to know why.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's not something you want to understand.

SPEAKER_00:

I did actually ask when we were actually on status that I could ask. And it definitely was better when I didn't know. He didn't know why he did it. I think that's worse to know.

SPEAKER_02:

You're talking about your abuser.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. I think that's worse to know that somebody didn't know why they did something so horrific that could have taken your life than to just not have closure at all.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, let me ask you this. Do you think any human is capable of anything then?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, yeah. So you'd say, like, say you're in control of yourself, unless you have a mental illness that you can't control.

SPEAKER_03:

There's an accountability piece. I was gonna say, yeah. You gotta be careful using, and this is mental illness, you want to call anything as an excuse to be right. What I'm getting at is deeper than that.

SPEAKER_01:

What I'm saying is, I'm still saying I should have.

SPEAKER_03:

No, no, you're okay. I'm saying as a human, we're all capable of fucking terrible things.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I didn't think I was capable of killing myself, but I was dead determined to do so.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. But just because somebody somebody is good at their core, it doesn't mean that they are not capable of atrocities.

SPEAKER_01:

I have a quote for you. Okay. Hurt people, hurt people. Yes. Oh yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

If you don't process things that you go through, like like like let's say I have a relationship with somebody I that was abusive, right? That was not processed. I never got justice, I never, I never got acknowledged. I never my story was never told to the world. Nobody heard my true story because nobody listened. That is now well, yeah. But what I'm saying is just just be with me right now. So I take that, I could have hurt a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02:

You could have I have.

SPEAKER_00:

You could have. In some relationships, I have. I've taken that hurt that I didn't know I was hurting, and I've I've let out others who didn't, yeah, who didn't cause that wound. I I had PTSD, I relived those moments, and I treated that person like shit in moments that I would have never done if I was in the present moment.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you were you were live you were reliving your trauma through your because my PTSD was never was never uh treated, was never understood, was never I didn't even know I was doing it.

SPEAKER_00:

Half the time I didn't even know I was triggered. I would go six months at a time where I was in this whole like mindset.

SPEAKER_03:

Unaware of it. When you snap out of it, you're like, holy shit, where was I?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, like when you snap out, something has to make sense, right? Nothing makes sense, so you close up and you don't believe anybody.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you were reliving that where you can't trust again.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you're in that, yeah. You're in that um disassist.

SPEAKER_00:

No matter what that person says, it does not make sense. You have your trauma, I have my trauma. We both have triggers of feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. So sometimes we are projecting our past onto the next person, our hurt people, hurt people um until we heal that part or until we acknowledge that it exists so that we can heal that part, to know that somebody's safe that you can share it with.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Um you continue.

SPEAKER_03:

You have to be in a safe you have to be in a space to allow that safety to be upon you, too.

SPEAKER_00:

Right, because who's really gonna put up with all that shit? I still have somebody who's up my ass controlling everything I do. How am I gonna have to walk on HL's today? How am I gonna have to do this so that I can get my bills paid because the child support that I'm so rightly the ode that he says he's supporting me, but really he's supporting his own children. Do not take this like I'm gonna kill him. So if he ends up dead, it is not my fault. I was on video and I did not kill him.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, she was here with us.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so my alibi. So, but I do wish, I have wished This wasn't recorded a week ago before. So I have wished this is about the meanest bone that you'll get out of me, is that I have wished that somebody would trip him with his hand stuck in his pocket and he falls face first. People's purity has been eaten up by the world. I've seen it live with my brother, I've seen it live with my friends, I've seen it where like people have lived where I am.

SPEAKER_01:

Your own stuff from there.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, seriously, like if you think about it, we've thought we've thought deeply about this. About I grew up at 15, so I stayed 15. I stayed that pure self for so long on my own that until I grew up and had growth to my actual age, right? Which I'm not there yet, I had I did not know how good I had it. Well, maybe there's a reason why I grew up at 15. I'm able to keep my purity. I still have my purity of not wanting to kill somebody. I couldn't kill somebody. But here's the root the problem though, and it is that he still gets away with destroying me because I can't see the evil in him.

SPEAKER_03:

Remember, props to your family. But you have to oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00:

You see what I'm saying? Like if like I've had lawyers, I've had judges, I've had friends, I've had boyfriends, I've had family, I've had everybody come to me, and I still cannot do what they ask. He's evil. There is no good in him at all. Stop looking for the good. There is none, but I see good. I cannot be that evil, no matter what he has done.

SPEAKER_03:

That is unique, Christy.

SPEAKER_00:

I cannot.

SPEAKER_02:

That is really unique. And you know it. Just the way the negative can go just completely sinister. We've talked about too good allows for evil evil to happen in its shadow. Because you're covering this thing with this pretty overlay of, oh, people are good, and but bad people take advantage of that.

SPEAKER_00:

And he uses my kindness for weakness, and that's where that comes in.

SPEAKER_02:

And and I don't think in I mean it makes people second guess their kindness. We're okay, we're close, and we have these conversations, right? About that particular situation. I don't think in those conversations I'm saying, yeah, you should you should contemplate killing.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_02:

It's really just more of hey, protecting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Stop stop listening to him. They're all lies.

SPEAKER_02:

If his mouth is moving, they're lies. He's lying.

SPEAKER_00:

And I know that.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. You cannot trust the words.

SPEAKER_00:

Sometimes he sounds like he's making sense. And it's hard to not believe him.

SPEAKER_03:

There you go.

SPEAKER_00:

And see, I don't see the evil that would overtake that. That's my problem.

SPEAKER_03:

But do you do you okay, do you logically know it's there and you just can't get yourself to believe it to your core?

SPEAKER_00:

So I do until it happens. So either I am still living that attachment that I don't know exists. The thing that I'm trained to already do is not statistic supply. Is is be that submissive that I can't break because I didn't know it existed.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Which I know it exists, but I can't find it. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, it does. Well, it hides in plain sight. Exactly. That's the fucking problem. That's the nightmare of that.

SPEAKER_00:

But he's the father of my children, so I can't just be like, fuck off, dick face.

SPEAKER_03:

That's also really complicated.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, and not to not to Most people say that they've they've cut off ties, but they don't have kids with them either.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

I can't do it alone. Okay. Nobody's wanting to pick up his slack because my relationships don't want the part that they have to pick up the stock of the children where it's not even their fucking fault, but they don't want to pick up his stock because he should be made to do that. But guess what? He's never gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02:

But and also dealing with him, too.

SPEAKER_00:

I cannot have a relationship because of him.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

And not because I want to be with him, not because it's because he fucked you up so bad. Well, not just that either. I'm healing from those. I can deal with those, they can deal with those. What they can't deal with is him not doing a job of being a father in the right ways for the children to be supported, right? And me not have to rely on him for anything of that.

SPEAKER_03:

Right, no matter what you have right now, you have to rely on him.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I make an income that should be decent. It's a decent income. In this economy, my rent is over what I make. I got in that particular because of him. Right. Uh not to mention, like, on top of all the rest of the bills, now I can't work 40 hours a week because he's not there all the time to help out with the kids, nor does he want to be. He plays volleyball and this and that.

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

So physically he's never there. I don't have nothing but an 18-year-old child.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, he's one of those, he's a father and image, right? Right. Father and a parent.

SPEAKER_00:

But but nobody wants to take that spot.

SPEAKER_03:

And that's a big thing.

SPEAKER_00:

So am I always gonna be alone because they don't want to take the responsibility of what this motherfucker's supposed to be doing?

SPEAKER_03:

Is that fair to expect that of your partner?

SPEAKER_00:

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_03:

So that's just gonna be a complication.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, there are people out there. I've watched it, I've seen it, I've lived it. Okay, my stepdad has taken me in like I was his own. There's not very many people out there like that. Not my dad is the same with and I feel like in relationships.

SPEAKER_02:

No, I I hear everything you're saying.

SPEAKER_00:

Look, I actually haven't mentioned I took on a stepdaughter, like she was my own. I was that equal person that never took sides because she needed somebody to run to, to vent to, to trust, to confide in, to be able to talk to without being held responsible for talking about the other parent or this parent or that parent, or even not parents at all. Because she shouldn't have to be in the middle of it. I was in the middle of it as being his wife and a stepmom.

SPEAKER_01:

This is a fifth person.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, so his fifth child that he had in between there's a lot he cheated, you know, whatever he won't admit it, but whatever. No, you he had a child after my oldest child, so he has our daughter. His other daughter, and then our other three. But I took her in, and the way I took her in, I feel like there's somebody out there that can do that for me.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't see her any different because she has a different mom. Okay. She's a child, she's innocent. She has nothing to do with their decisions. Nothing. Their decisions have nothing to do with her. Meaning. Meaning I will never make her pay for that. So if I married to this man, right? I took her in as if she was my own. Did I have fallouts? Yeah, I did. But we got through them. And I always treated her like my own. I always tried to. Yeah. To the most part that I could. Most people would have been like, fuck off, you know, the father should be there. Period. Go fuck off. Right?

SPEAKER_03:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

They would try to rip the kids from him. I never want to do that because he is their father, regardless.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's a beautiful thing there.

SPEAKER_00:

And if he continued to abuse them, I would have definitely took action. But because he did not, I could not have a reason to take a child from a parent, regardless. If he's willing to be there and I've always protected my children. Well, and I mean I may already have one parent that does one of them.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, I would be as a firm belief once you bring a child in, they kind of have to come first. They didn't ask to be here.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I'm not saying that they have to come first. I did learn that I come first. I come first. I get that now because of my health, because of I can't keep giving to them or take care of them. It felt selfish at the beginning, and then it felt good to be able to take care of myself. I know what my wants and needs are. So don't know everything. I don't know my fantasies. I don't know. Uh I'm still exploring a lot of things about myself. If you don't know how to put yourself in somebody else's shoes, listen to somebody you don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

No, you're right. Actually, sometimes you can get more benefit from a stranger who's been through my own.

SPEAKER_00:

If your parents come to talk to you, tell you something, you're not gonna fucking listen. No, you're right. Right? But then somebody else could tell you the same damn thing. You're like, oh man, yeah. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like I don't even know their history or anything, so they must not be.

SPEAKER_00:

Even a partner. Where he has told me so many things. No, listen to me. I know, I know, I know, just like a parent would. But because he's my love partner, he's biased. In my mind, he's biased. Even if I don't think he is, he's biased.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, I know. You're not wrong about saying that.

SPEAKER_00:

So I didn't listen, not intentionally, because I was listening. He was very wise. I followed a lot of things, and I didn't understand why he would say I wouldn't listen to him, but I wasn't. When somebody else said the same damn thing, oh my gosh, yeah. So then I go tell this person, hey, I wanted this. Motherfucker, I told you that all this day.

SPEAKER_03:

You're right, it is interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Well, because he felt like he didn't get the praise that he need he wanted. He's helped you through this like magical moment. He wanted that praise that you have right now. I get both sides. And I wanted to give him that praise. I mean, actually. I I see both sides of a lot of things because I was always taught to be in the other person's shoes, and a lot of people think I don't, but I do. Um, I do always try to see the other side. And if I can't, like my children, uh, two of my kids cut. I never did. I can't understand it. I don't understand it. I didn't believe in that. Um, so what do I do? In order to understand them, because I know that they have a reason for doing it. I need to understand them. I don't put them down for it. I want to be there for them the right way. No.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00:

But I have patients that did it.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I asked their perspective. I said, hey, you know, you don't ever want to like throw them on the spot, you know. But I'm like, hey, I got kids that do this, and I really I've never lived it, and for not just for my children, but for other patients that I can't relate to, because you know, that's how I help patients. I need you to help me understand, you know, and I've gotten three answers for why people cut, and maybe more.

SPEAKER_02:

If ever there was a better billboard for how much we need each other, that she's taking advice from people that are in the deepest, darkest crisis of their own, but they've lived the experience. You don't have to be a therapist to help someone.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_02:

You just have to be a human. I understand. You just have to be You just have to listen. I love her.

SPEAKER_00:

God gave you um one mouth and two ears to listen more than you talk. It reminds me when to shut up.

SPEAKER_01:

That's powerful.

SPEAKER_00:

That's very smart, Chris. I like stuff. Knowledge and wisdom. I didn't catch it until just now.

SPEAKER_03:

We're in it on that. Two eyes and one ear for talking. You gotta say it. Don't look to the bottle.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh the bottle. Got it. Bottle.

SPEAKER_03:

The knife or the gun.

SPEAKER_01:

Look for the soul we've got ready for three.

SPEAKER_00:

Huh?

SPEAKER_01:

Look to the soul. Look to the soul you'll become.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

So don't look to the bottle. The knife or the gun. Look to the soul you'll become. Hey! Did it? But definitely look to that bottle, right?

SPEAKER_00:

I said tears. Right there. So I said no bottle. I'm sorry.

Contributor

Tony

Co-host

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